Ah, my loyal legions of fans. I graciously bring you my return to the arcane art of horror movie reviewing! If only it were under better circumstances. The only reason why I watched this flick was because a bunch of movie channels were free one weekend last month, and we tivo’d the shit out of all of them, looking for gems that we would have ordinarily passed up. This was one of them that we recorded, but it is no gem, oh no. To be fair, it was watchable and even intriguing at times. I couldn’t take it seriously however. Permit me to start from the beginning.

The movie starts out in a flashback from 1969. Three jocks up to no good "roofie" their prom dates. I didn’t know the uber-popular "roofie" was around back then, but I should’ve guessed, since everybody was high and tripped out back then anyways. Two of the three girls were totally blown out from it, but the other one didn’t take as much, so she was somewhat coherent. An elaborate prank unfolds, and it turns out the guys were trying to trick the girls for some reason. A blond was involved in the prank as well. The coherent girl gets scared and runs away and the jocks give chase. One guy finds the girl. A struggle ensues and the guy hits the girl. She falls onto an anvil or something and dies. The guy gets scared and throws her in a trunk, where she patiently awaits her undead rampage of vengeance on some teens 30 years later that had nothing to do with her murder. Wait, I almost forgot. This spectral girl would’ve remained in this trunk for all eternity, except for one thing. Three girls at an overnight slumber party awaken her by chanting "Bloody Mary" three times! Uggghh. This, my friends, is Urban Legends: Bloody Mary!

Ok, this movie was a mess. The movie had too much going on. The "murder by ‘Urban Legend’" angle was totally unnecessary and muddled everything up. The "Bloody Mary" prerequisite was absurd. The "jocks doing the same terrible act as their jock parents 30 years earlier" angle was silly. Just the math alone that would require these initial jocks to all have children at around the same time, have the children be the same sex as them, and have the children all end up in the same cliques as their parents were back in the day is pretty astounding. Add all this together and you’ve got one confusing flick. Still, I found it somewhat enjoyable. It was not low budget. The kills were good. The acting was good. The movie had a decent pace as well. No skin though. Of course the girls involved were supposed to be in high school so…..nevermind.

To summarize, this movie was decent. The storyline and some of its presumptions were ludicrous, but everything else was fine. I’m not a big fan of the "innocent victim exacting revenge on parties that may or may not have been directly involved with the initial injustice" angle. It’s hard to sympathize or identify with their motives when that happens. I give this movie 5 out of 10 tanning beds that must have a "cremate" setting on them. Keep your warranty for that one.

This review was fueled by Warrell Dane’s latest album and Bodington pints. A great combination. By the way, I am also aware of how many quotation marks I used in this review. It won’t happen again.