The Horrorist is still sans internet access at home, thanks to Verizon. (Stockholders take notice)

This is some kind of strange flick, folks. Picking up mere minutes after the final moments of hiss 2007 redux of the original Halloween, Rob Zombie’s Halloween II is a bizarre mixture of moments that just don’t work combined with sequences which are nothing short of brilliant.

The plot: As mentioned above, we pick up with Laurie Strode (Scout Taylor Compton) stumbling along the boulevard in Haddonfield, Ill. still covered with blood and looking like ..well, she looks as if she’s survived a homicidal rampage by Michael Myers. Sherriff Bracken (Brad Dourif, turning in a performance that is a highlight of the film) catches up with her, takes her to safety and she’s on the way to the hospital.

Meanwhile, the seemingly deceased Mr. Myers (Tyler Mane, again making the role his own) is placed into an ambulance by no fewer than six deputies and carted off to the morgue, in a van with only two drivers. I dunno, man. If I’m transporting the six foot nine inch body of someone who has just spent the evening tearing people apart and demonstrating a frightening resilience to physical trauma, I’m thinking that four or five other heavily armed guys should be on board just as a contingency. But hey, that’s just me.

Anyway, unless they’ve never seen a horror movie, anyone reading this knows precisely what happens next. Before long that ambulance has an accident, the driver’s are incapacitated and Michael wakes up.

John Kirby was a man who had problems. He was mentally unstable and had very violent urges he fought to control. But one day John’s inner demons got the better of him and he killed two people. He tried to escape and was gunned down by local authorities, but before his body could be properly disposed of a trio of scientists conducted an experiment with John using an experimental serum. Once the serum interacted his genetic structure John’s lifeless body was born anew, and so were his dark impulses, only now greatly amplified. Now possessing regenerative powers and no control of his impulses he is the ultimate killer and he is on the loose and only one man can stop him…..CHUCK NORRIS!

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls of all ages let’s get ready to RUUUUMMMMBBBLLEE! Because Chuck Norris has finally come to HorrorWatch!

Laws yes you heard me right, Chuck Norris finally gets a turn on HorrorWatch as Chuck does battle with an unstoppable killing machine in 1982’s Silent Rage. Cashing in on the emerging, super killer, horror film, franchise killers like Jason and Michael Myers, studio executives decided that action megastar Chuck Norris, the only man to count to infinity twice, should have a chance to stop one of these bad boys and maybe start a franchise of his own, unfortunately that didn’t happen.

This movie has gotten mixed reviews, so I didn't know what to expect. I can't say I really rave after seeing it, but it wasn't nearly as bad as I feared it might be, and there were some interesting things going on.

It is a mainly black production, so apparently that makes this "urban horror," despite being set in the woods and all the characters being relentlessly middle-class. Our story: 6 young, attractive black 20-somethings head out to a cabin in the woods to party with some of their friends, and instead are reminded why black people never go into the woods. At heart, this is a slasher where the heros are spoiled, horny black kids instead of spoiled, horny white kids - though it was nice to see a general absence of stereotypes. There is some mish-mash of stuff cribbed from other recent horror fads, but none of that really hangs together very well.

However, the acting is generally good - the skills of the main cast is several cuts above the quality in your usual by-the-numbers direct to video slasher (the film premiered on BET). The script is feeble and the characters are all pretty bland, but everyone acquits themselves well. I was actually more impressed with the actors because they took a weak script and really sold it - and they pulled a lot that really shouldn't have worked. I was also impressed with the lighting: a lot of scenes are in big, dark spaces (inside and out), and you could actually see what was going on without things looking obviously lit. The direction and editing seemed quite competent and the movie looks polished.

Clem and Lucas are a French couple living out in the Romanian countryside. One night, while they are sleeping Clem is awakened by a strange noise so her and Lucas go to investigate. They see someone driving their car away and soon a series of noises, phone calls and lights start to terrorize them, forcing them to leave the house to try and find help.

One major thing Ils got right, and I mean really, really right, was the dark. So often in horror movies the dark looks like one of two things. Either it’s dark outside but you can tell there are lights set up somewhere, giving everything a spot-lit look or it’s so dark you can’t tell what the heck is going on. Here, you could see everything without any telltale lights or shadows, giving you the feeling of being right there in the midst of all the terror.

The second major thing done right is the location. The couple have recently moved into an old mansion out in the middle of a woody nowhere. The house is enormous, much more than two people need and you can see where someone could stalk you throughout without you being the wiser.

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Halloween II (2009)
Gangs of the Dead
Silent Rage
Somebody Help Me
Ils (Them)
Wendigo
Event Horizon
Turistas
Trees
Friday the 13th
Splinter
The Curse of El Charro
War Wolves
13 Bullets
Burnt Offerings
Cannibal Campout
White Zombie
Creepshow
Versus
The Sixth Sense
The Shining
Eden Log
Habit
Dawn of the Dead (2004)
Hannibal
Hostel
BloodRayne II
Twilight
Blood Freak
Dead Heist
1408
Quarantine
MoH: Fair-Haired Child
The Evil Dead
Torso
The Strangers
Blood Dolls
Bleed
Blade Trinity
Blade
Blacula
Black Christmas
[Rec]
Billy the Kid vs Dracula
Amok Train
Battlefield Baseball
Battle Royale
Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer
Basket Case

George is an unhappy Manhattan adman who, feeling creatively stiffled by his job and otherwise dissatisfied with his cushy Yuppie life, takes his therapist wife and their son on a winter weekend break to a friend's cabin upstate. On the way, they hit a deer, which sparks an ugly altercation with some of the locals, rattling the entire family. Things just get worse from there.

This movie is absolutely wonderful, but it is not at all a typical horror movie. (It also shows what Larry Fessenden can do with something of a budget and top-notch actors.) Wendigo is more domestic horror than supernatural. The scenes between the passive-aggressive parents, and between the privileged city-folk and the inexplicably angry country locals, are brilliant. And all that tension builds excruciatingly until the end, which is simultaneously horrific and predictable.

The whole movie could be interpreted allegorically. It's seen through the eyes of Miles (an excellent Erik Per Sullivan), who observes his parents unhappiness without understanding it. He sees threats from all sides (both physical and other) and tries to make sense of them, without really being old enough yet to clearly distinguish imagination from reality, or even figure out why all the adults are upset.

I watched Curse of El Charro because it was billed as staring Danny Trejo. I love Danny Trejo, he kicks butt, I'll watch just about anything with him in it, I wrote to my Congressman about getting the "Machete" feature funded.

Unfortunately, Danny Trejo isn't in El Charro. He does a voiceover. This means that the Curse of El Charro represents 90 minutes of my life I'll never get back. It does feature a cameo by Lemmy from Motorhead, which probably would have been enough to convince me to give it a look had I known about it in advance. But Lemmy doesn't save this movie either (though he went a small way toward making up for the false advertising about Danny Trejo).

To say this movie starts off slowly is an understatement. Absolutely nothing happens for more than an hour. After that, there's some OK slasher action, but it's over almost immediately. The heroine's religious and crazy because her sister killed herself. She has completely obnoxious friends of varying degrees of stereotypical sluttiness and cattiness who hate her and each other, and they all drive into the desert for the weekend together for no readily discernable reason.

This is another Sci-Fi Channel movie, but it's a bit unusual. Most Sci-Fi Channel movies are wonderfully straightforward. Everything you need to know about the plot is right there in the title. (My personal favorite - Rock Monster.) They often involve either gargoyles or giant reptiles, or some sort of body-snatcher aliens (so it can be added to the themed-marathon lineup), and if you can throw in Nazis, or otherwise explain why everyone but the three leads is obviously Romanian, well, even better. They usually exhibit a decent sense of humor, terrible CGI, worse scripts, acceptable acting, occasional cameos from familiar faces, and are competently put together in their way. They are like the Big Mac of horror films - cheap, satisfying, and pretty much the same all over.

War Wolves shows signs that someone wanted to do something more. During the first third, this flick looked like it might use the werewolf as a metaphor for the savagery of war that some veterans carry home with them, isolating them from their fellow citizens and former lives, driving them to violence, alcoholism or other self medication. Sadly, it didn't manage to follow through.

After some token backstory, a US military unit, led by a Captain Gideon (our leading man, and also director), is pinned down in some house to house fighting in ... I guess Iraq. Anyhow, the troops are holding their own, until the "dog men" the locals fear set upon them.