This movie has a goofy name. If I were going to name a humanoid killing machine from the Deep, I would call them something menacing like the MerRippers, Aquatic Skullfuckers, or possibly The First Four Black Sabbath Albums.

“Oh no! Here come the Skullfuckers!!”. Aquanoids sounds a little hokey, but it is at least consistent with the movie it describes.

Here it is. You have the movie Jaws. Take away the shark, replace it with a white Creature from the Black Lagoon (not to be confused with a black Creature from the White Lagoon), replace the professional actors with low budget actors, and there you go. Some Aquanoids go on a rampage in the 80’s and kill a bunch of surfers. The mayor covers the story up. Then, like 15 years later or something, an Aquanoid is spotted just offshore again by a girl named Vanessa. This time, the mayor tries to cover it up again, so his dreams of building a mall or something won’t get ruined. Meanwhile, Vanessa is trying to spread the word that Aquanoids are abound and not to get into the water. Aquanoids (on a one by one basis) rape and pillage all the nonbelievers and then they have a grand finale at the end. Oh, and the mayor is trying to kill Vanessa so she doesn’t scare people away. There is also the obligatory “lame twist” at the end.

The gore wasn’t bad. The scenery wasn’t bad either, if you catch my drift (this ocean theme is way too easy). Laura Nativo (who plays Vanessa) is pretty easy to look at, but she does not “bare it” for the camera. There are lots of other booty sightings that you come to expect from a low budget surfer/horror flick. Sorry ladies, other than a couple dudes swimming around, you are again denied any viable beefcake action.

The storyline is fairly simple and uneventful. I’ve written enough about this movie.

This wasn’t a great movie. I give it 4 out of 10 promiscuous anchorwomen.

I borrowed “The first 4 Black Sabbath albums” from a Henry Rollins spoken word concert. It just fit perfectly. Please don’t hurt me Henry. Not that Henry would be surfing the net looking for a review of Aquanoids anyway. I’m probably safe.