It’s true. The fast paced world of horror reviewing is not just after-hours parties, jetsetting, and autograph sessions. Sometimes we have to get in the trenches and take one for the team. The team, in all cases, is the horror-watching public. I indeed took one for the team on this occasion. This movie fucking sucks. Please, allow me to elaborate.

Zombiez is some kind of terrible mating between a zombie short film and a hip-hop video. They made sure to come in with no budget, to eliminate any chance of redeeming entertainment values. The premise is this: A girl who is working at a construction site is chased by zombies. And by zombies I mean dudes with no zombie makeup and meat cleavers. I’m not sure where the zombies came from. I think they attempted some ridiculous back-story, but I must have momentarily passed out from the intense suffering I was being put under and missed it. I think this crazy guy is hacking up people and selling them as meat. He recruited some zombies to do his legwork.

The acting was shitty. There was one scene of nudity and it was really weird. There was no makeup that I can remember. Everything sucked. I think there was some blood here and there.

The whole movie is pretty much this girl running through the woods or through an isolated urban setting while half acting make-upless zombies are chasing her. At one point she breaks her ankle. What does she do? She puts her leg between two trees and “sets” her leg back into place. What the fuck is this? Why would you do this and how could this not be detrimental? I just don’t know how she could know to do this. Plus, I don’t buy that this would actually work anyway. Clearly I’m taking this movie too seriously.

One other scene and I will leave you all alone. At one point, a girl runs a car into a tree. We see the car, we hear the wreck, and then we see the car once it hits the tree, only they don’t show us the part of the car that hits the tree. That’s because they really didn’t hit it. What awesome special effects.

Anyway, I’ve given this movie too much time to begin with. Avoid it like the plague. Shame on my local video store for putting this piece of shit on the new release wall. The thing is, because it ends with a trendy “z”, has a definite hip-hop feel to it, and has some terrible rap video on it, it will get some unwarranted attention from people who will rent it thinking it will actually be entertaining. What a shame.

I give this .15 out of 10 chicken mascots being shot at by some dude. I have no idea what this was about. I would have given this 0 out of 10, due to its complete lack of redeeming qualities. However, some people give the worst movies of a genre special attention as a subgenre of its own. I was afraid that this movie could be misconstrued as such, so I gave it enough percentage points to raise it just above the cult status as “worst movies ever”. It doesn’t even deserve this moniker.