Witchery is a flick from the 80’s that deals with witchcraft. There is a legend that a movie star-turned witch lived on this little island and wreaked havoc on anybody that would dare visit her island. A woman and her boyfriend (played by the force of nature that is David Hasselhoff) are visiting the island to do research on this witch for a book. Meanwhile, the family that owns the house on the island is trying to sell it to another party. They all go to the island to take a look at it.

At this point, weird things start happening. Prophecies are mentioned, a boy keeps seeing (and conversing with) a lady in black, people start disappearing, one party discovers that the other party is on the island without permission…and so forth. All of this adds up to cheesy 80’s witchcraft at its finest!

Witchery is luke warm. Sure, it’s from the 80’s, has a couple good kills, and has Hasselhoff and Linda Blair (in a sleepy role) in it. It’s missing inspiration, though. The lead actress lays out one of the most wooden performances I have ever witnessed in a movie with a budget over $500. How she beat out Linda Blair for this role I’ll never know. The witch wasn’t scary looking. Her motives weren’t consistent either. She would kill people that broke virtues, thereby fulfilling prophecies (or whatever). Then she would kill others just to be mean. I would have preferred one or the other.

Then there’s the main character. She’s holding onto being a virgin and she is well past her teens. She doesn’t explain her motives, but I have a feeling she is doing this so she can be eligible for a Satanic ritual of some sort later on in life, as Satanists have no need for a woman who’s fields have been plowed, so to speak. Insensitive ramblings aside, she must be the only woman alive that can resist the passionate approaches of Hasselhoff on a consistent basis. Hasselhoff will not be denied!

In a later scene that I found hilarious for some reason, Hasselhoff and his babe were being encountered by the witch. It was clear that it was time to get from there. The woman screams that the door is locked. Without blinking, Hasselhoff’s character turns around and in Arnoldesque fashion kicks the door down and they both bolt out. The witch had the ability to hold doors and windows shut, but not this time. Hasselhoff will not be denied!

This movie did have good kills. In one great scene, an old greedy bitch gets her mouth sewed shut and then she is stuffed in the chimney upside down for good measure. When the cold party decides to start a fire, we get to see in explicit detail the melting process of the old woman. Good stuff. You also get a stabbing or two, a window jump or two, and an inverted crucifixion/burning for your money.

Nudity is scarce. In a strange twist of fate, we are teased several times and ultimately denied seeing the “woman of no virtue” unclothed, but we see the virgin doff her top in a Hasselhoff-less night romp. Those crazy 80’s.

Overall, this flick was a little flat. It had its moments, but they were intermittent. There was a blatant Suspiria device ripoff that also didn’t sit well with me (the amulet that makes people pass out). Good kills, and me and my brother making annoying Hasselhoff comments raised it up. Wooden acting and lame witch clichés brought it down a bit. I give this movie 5 out of 10 witch’s lights at high noon that was never explained.