While recovering from a tragic highway accident, police officer Edward Malus receives a letter from his former fiancée Willow, who left him years ago without any explanation. She writes to tell him that her daughter Rowan is missing and only he can help. Edward travels to the private island of Summerisle only to find that things are worse than he anticipated.

The Wicker Man is easily the most hilarious film I’ve seen all year. The problem with that is “The Wicker Man” is a horror film!

File this one under the it’s so bad its good category kiddies. Nothing could have prepared me for the rare treat I was about to enjoy.

Naturally, I went into this expecting a solid, well acted, psychological horror film. However after viewing this I may need psychological help if I dare try to fathom this sinister display in a serious fashion. The fact is as a horror film this is one of the most revolting pieces of dreck to come along in quite some time.

Though it won’t be easy, first I will attempt to give you some sort of serious analysis.

The plot stays much the same as the original in terms of scene progression but seems far slower. Perhaps it’s because the film could have been made in 45 minutes, but I’ve been wrong before.

LaBute should spank himself for not only remaking this film badly, but for altering it into a pseudo pagan/feminist stereotype. Basically making a story in some pathetic diatribe that is nothing more than a really poor attempt at a weak social commentary.

As for the rest of the plot not enough detail is given to allow the audience to buy into what is being sold (even as ridiculous as it all is). Disbelief cannot be suspended enough for this story to pass for reality. One example that I found extremely frustrating was how Nicolas Cage constantly tried to get answers from people on the island only to have them spew out random gobbledygook that Cage’s character swallows. Even though it’s OBVIOUS they’re all lying to him.

Rather than to continue trying to explain this moronic jig-saw puzzle to you all I will be writing the rest of this review where the film truly shines, as a comedy.

As I stated at the start of my review as a comedy this is easily the most hilarious film all year. The main focus of this hysteria is Nicholas Cage’s horrific acting while delivering AMAZING one liner's. Cage had me in stitches from start to finish. Rather than try to explain what I mean to you (It may not be possible to do so in comprehendible fashion) I will give you a list of some of the most gut-busting one-liners in cinema history. As you are reading these imagine extreme anger and WAY over the top acting. One part William Shatner, one part Samuel L. Jackson: (And don’t try reading anything from these quotes, none of them are spoilers.)

“Killing me won't bring back your fucking honey!”

(Holding doll) “Is this hers? How'd it get burnt? How'd it get burnt? HOW'D IT GET BURNT, HOW'D IT GET BURNT?!”

(Pointing gun at woman) “Step away from the bicycle!”

“BITCHES! YOU BITCHES!”

“NO, I don’t need anyone’s goddamn permission! If you interfere with me you will be brought up on murder charges!”

“I’m a policeman… see my badge?”

“You're the biggest liar of them all, you tell me another one and I'll arrest you myself for murder, that is a promise, miss”

"You have my permission to stay out of the fucking way!”

“Breeding? More like INBREEDING!”

“MURDER IS MURDER!”

(Rushes towards little girl in a bear costume) “My name is Edward. I’m gonna save you!”

And lastly, what may go down as the funniest quote in film history:

“Oh NO, not the bees! Not the bees! Ahhhhhh! Bees all over my eyes! Eyes! Blaaaarghhh!”

And that is just a taste. This film has so many priceless one-liners that I could fill up 3 reviews worth of them.

In case you couldn’t tell what an amazing film The Wicker Man is from the above I’ll close with this. The following is a list of 10 things I learned from “The Wicker Man”:

1. Everyone has permission to stay the fuck out of Nicolas Cage’s way!
2. Nicolas Cage is a policeman. See his badge?
3. Leelee Sobieski doesn't stand a chance against Nic Cage. Just ask her how that drop kick felt.
4. Leaders of pagan communities keep bee-covered followers in various rooms throughout their house.
5. Murder is murder.
6. Women in bear suits don’t stand a chance against Nic Cage. Just ask her how that mammoth right hook to the face felt.
7. Never trust a female cop....she could very well transform into alot of angry bees in the blink on an eye.
8. If you’re a Pagan woman you can leap out of cars before they explode and disappear with ninja-like skills.
9. Nicolas Cage will return your mask after he steals your bicycle.
10. NO! Nicolas Cage does not need anybody's goddamn permission. If you interfere with him, you will be brought up on murder charges.

As a comedy 10 out of 10 reasons to tell Nic Cage HOW IT GOT BURNED!
As a horror film 1 out of 10 Studio execs that lost their job over this

Never seeing the original I'm going to dive inside of this review anyways...So you won't hear me complain about how the original, like always, is better. I thought this movie was pretty entertaining, and being I know alot of manhating wiccans (I did not state all wiccans do indeed hate men, just the ones I know) And anyway this movie to me seemed kinda creepy and the ending I did not see coming at all. It was obvious something was up the whole movie but being I never saw the original I don't know.

But I like seeing Nicholas Cage pissed off in his movies. Why?, he just seems to always be the kind of person to be easily lied to and when he gets made for it he gives that "I'm a policeman and I don't like being confused."

I liked this movie the first time, but after watching it the second time I was easily bored. That and they are plenty of scenes you can pick out of the movie that they could have made a hellovalot creepier. Other than that, it was a good movie. Not amazingly out of this world, just better than average.

Oh and I got the DVD with the alternate ending, if you're expecting an alternate ending you will be let down, it's just extended and more graphic.

So I give this movie 6 out of 10

I enjoyed the Wicker Man quite a bit, but mainly for alot of the reasons that Earp stated above. Cage is a blast in this one, a cop out of place, a man in a woman's world, an evil woman's world at that!

But Earp left a few things out of his tirade, sure the dialog is horrible, but where else are you going to see Cage run around in a bear suit saving children? Where else are you going to see Cage take a bicycle from a lady at gun point, then race to save a child? But most importantly where in the nine hells are you going to see Nicolas Cage go totally "Chuck Norris" on a bunch of bitches? NO WHERE except in The Wicker Man baby!

When Cage finally loses his cool and begins to uppercut and roundhouse kick his way to some answers, it's just simply on baby I mean ON!

The Wicker Man is bad but in a good cult movie kind of way. I say get it, invite a few friends over and let the fun begin.

5 of 10

I've been watching movies for about 26 years. In all those years I have had some truly wonderful cinematic experiences. This, however was not one of them. I know what everyone is thinking: "GC, you knew what you were getting yourself into when you watched this." Yeah, I did. Apparently when a movie is a cinematic failure I enjoy watching it just to see HOW bad it could possibly be. I was fortunate enough to not waste any money on this nonsense and watched it On Demand. For those that forked over money to watch this, you have my deepest sympathies. This movie did for horror movies what Catwoman did for comic book-based movies. It's completely unforgivable and almost unwatchable. With all of this ranting, I think I'll start my review.

The movie began very blandly and almost made me wish it was over in the same minute that it started. Nicholas Cage's presence is a waste of celluloid and I wanted his character to get offed within the first five minutes. I don't think I have ever thought this way about a main character. How disappointed do you think I was when this didn't happen? The direction and writing were horrible as was the acting. The best actor was Ellen Burstyn, but rarely does an actor carry an entire movie. This is not one of those times.

After watching this movie, I was posed to ask some questions though:

How in the hell did Nicholas Cage win an Oscar? I have ABSOLUTELY NO amount of professional acting experience and I could have done a better job than him. Is it possible for ANYONE to overact as much as he did in this?

If his character is so interested in the law, why does he keep breaking it? There are several instances of Breaking and Entering/Trespassing and Assault. Also, legally speaking, a cop CANNOT bring a firearm across state lines.

Where did Mr. Cage learn to fight? If you pull those maneuvers in a real brawl, you're very likely to get your ass kicked several times over.

If you've never seen this movie, let me just tell you that about a third of it consists of Nick Cage running/cycling up and down hills and through the woods. Amazingly, this movie had NO CLIMAX whatsoever. It's 100% boring from beginning to end with some unintentionally funny one-liners thrown in.

I'm giving this a 1/4 out of 10. Yes, that's a FRACTIONAL rating.