A babysitter in an unfamiliar house is terrorized by a prank-calling psychopath who keeps asking her, “have you checked the children?”

Alright, anyone who’s seen the original knows that no other details can be given without spoiling this movie. For that matter, anyone who’s seen the previews of this one knows that as well, because they show the twist that made the original a classic right there. Seriously, I can think of nothing stupider than the PR people working on this flick. I’m not claiming it was going to be a big shocker or anything, but the film is aimed at young teens and for them it could have been really great.

Ok, probably not. Most everything that could have been really good was either diluted or just done poorly. Not to the point of sucking, just enough to make sure no one was scared.

In the original, we’re given a truly terrifying killer, he’s realistic. Just like a real killer, he’s kind of pathetic and under cold fluorescents he’s not much to see. However, in the shadows, calling and harassing you, his gravelly voice barely hiding his depravity, he’s truly a monster. Sure, most serial killers are impotent or something, but when he’s tearing you open and smearing your blood on his naked body, that really doesn’t matter much.

This killer never seems impotent, but he’s clearly been castrated. Oh, he’s imposing and at times really threatening. He was played beautifully throughout. The problem is one of the parts of the original that held the most power, the most brutal aspect, is changed to make it child-friendly.

The retarded beauty of this is while you’re watching, if you’re like me and know the original well, you’re expecting that brutal gut-punch of real horror and instead you get a fake scare. The fake scare is a great and classic plot device when used to fake us out before a real scare, when it’s used during the climactic scene it can increase the disappointment factor exponentially. And it does.

The real shame is how well the film is done when balls aren’t being dropped. The beginning crime scene really made me feel like I might be in for some grim-ass horror. The complete lack of blood woke me up, but the cop’s face as he sees what my PG-13 eyes isn’t allowed to is actually almost as good as gore would have been. The suspense was beautiful and sustained well once it really began, once this flick starts hopping it doesn’t stop until the credits roll.

That’s actually where this remake outdoes the original. The first When a Stranger Calls was probably one of the most poorly paced films ever. The climax happens before it’s halfway off and from there we’re treated to a decent story, but mind-numbingly boring in comparison to what we‘d already witnessed.

This movie takes the first thirty minutes of the original and makes it a movie in itself, and in lots of ways that works better.

However, we’re given way less story, treated like children for the most part, and we’re given no depth whatsoever. The most insulting part is the epilogue, it will make you say, “wow, I’ve only seen that ending thirty times, it never gets old!” And you’ll be completely fucking lying.

The truth is, it’s a decent movie. It takes almost an hour before the suspense kicks in and I fear most of it’s target audience will have zoned out long before that happens, and that’s a shame because other than that flaw, a thirteen-year-old would find this one hell of a good horror flick. An older horror fan might find it somewhat flaccid, however.

6 out of 10 too many male genital references in this review