When a police officer stumbles into a criminal network, he quickly learns that some things are not what they seem. He soon learns that, ah hell with it. Let me ask you something, have you ever seen Blade? Well, Ron Hall, the writer, director, and star of Vampire Assassin did and he liked it so much he decided to blatantly rip it off and make his own version of the film. The only problem is he lacked the budget, skill or talent to even attempt such a thing. This film is terrible from start to finish and I’m being nice.

Here are a few things I learned from watching Vampire Assassins. One, if you kill a vampire lightning bursts out of their bodies. Two, you can become a vampire by simply licking vampire blood off your fingers. Three, really cool vampires can deflect machine gun fire with their capes. Four, this film proves that anyone can get a film released and promoted, and fifth and finally if you can make it through this entire film from start to finish without pressing fast forward you have the constitution and self-control of a god.

Since joining HorrorWatch I have given independent horror films a second chance, some have surprised me with how good they are, others simply fall flat, then there are those like Vampire Assassins that just make you cry and ask why as you try to wash the filth of the visual rape you just suffered through.

The story, acting and effects are all so sub-par that it makes a grade school play look like a George Lucas masterpiece. I mean for the love of Lestat, the vampire make-up consists of huge, bright white, Chicklet-sized fake teeth that would make Freddy Mercury come back from the grave and say “Damn those are some big teeth!” and those cheap ass Halloween wigs that you can pick up at any dollar store.

The acting, ugh the acting was even worse than that. Watching Ron Hall as Derrick, having dinner with a reporter was painful. The story is full of holes and jumps around like a frog in a frying pan, this flick is just a waste. You would think the fight scenes would be at least entertaining, but no, not even close.

If I have to say one good thing about this flick, it would have to be this. When Derrick meets an old vampire hunter he gets the classic training routine, but when Master Kao, shuts off the lights and teaches Derrick how to fight and become one with the night, I nearly died laughing. It is without a doubt one of the funniest things I have ever seen and what makes it even more entertaining was that it was supposed to be serious.

This flick is lousy and a pure waste of time, not even a cameo by Dolemite himself, Rudy Ray Moore could enhance this one any. Avoid at all cost.

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