Some films are so bad they're great. Troll 2 is so bad that it's actually a life changing experience. Never in my darkest most depraved nightmares could I ever have envisioned something this wretched. In fact by all physical laws of the universe this film should not even exist. Did I just call this a film? I'm sorry I will not make that mistake again.

You're probably expecting a general summary of the plot as I usually start out with in my reviews, however since I can't really find one in this movie I'll just write about the random events that occur in no sequential order mixed with critiques along the way.

The video begins with an old man named "Grandpa Seth" narrating a pointless story that has nothing to do with anything to his grandson Jonathan (from here on out Jonathan will be referred to as "Pain" as in the most annoying pain the ass kid in movie history). According to legend, some guy with a silly hat ran through the woods once, attempting to escape the clutches of some evil goblins (goblins?). He eventually falls down and is picked up by a comically brilliant woman who feeds him magical green oatmeal. This pastel green muck makes him sweat Lime Otter Pop juice and turns him into "half man, half plant", I suppose you could call it a "mlant." He is then supposedly eaten by the goblins (goblins?).

You may notice the word Troll thus far is absent from my description. That's because there is not one Troll in this entire life changing event. Just Goblins.

Anyway, the family of Pain, Michael, Diana, and Holly decide on a hick swapping vacation to the desolate, wonderful and wacky town of NILBOG (Get it, Nilbog? as in Goblin!). Apparently in the WTF world of Troll 2 big city folk frequently contact rednecks in the middle of the sticks to borrow their home for vacations, especially when said rednecks are rude and serve chunky warm milk with green shit covered food while living in the middle of NOWHERE! (sign me up.)

I digress. So anyway this jolly family begins to get in an argument in their minivan on the way there. To break up the tension and bickering, the mom steps in and requests Pain to "sing that song I like so much." The song is in fact "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" which was obviously too technical and confusing for the mother to recall the name of, but that still doesn't quite explain why she liked it "so much." I would guess it's because she's an idiot, but I've been wrong before.

Did I mention the acting ability of the above characters? The acting, my Lord, where do I start? Suffice it to say that, if you set any castmember on fire, I would lay down even money that he or she would have a hard time convincing onlookers that it hurt. They're really that bad. In fact it is the worst acting I have ever witnessed in my entire life! If you've seen Corpses are Forever you may be thinking "Right Earp, I am sure you are exaggerating" Well the cast of Corpses are Forever deliver oscar worthy performances compared to this.

The special effects in this movie are indeed "special", in the same way that a one-legged blind mongoloid with Alzheimer's who molests children is "special." Cardboard cut-outs, construction paper, glitter, cotton balls, finger paint, and Elmer's glue sums up the make up effects.

If you think I am being harsh I can assure you, I am going easy on Troll 2. REALLY! And guess what? There's more!

Troll 2 also contains a very interesting soundtrack. Interesting in that there's not a single scene in the movie where the music is appropriate to the on screen action. Even more amazing is that it's all done by Casio keyboard. Truly they spared no expense while composing a soundtrack that sadly can not be found at your local Sam Goody's. Seriously though, it's rare, even in straight-to-video trash like this one to hear music of this woeful caliber.

In case you could not tell by the above description this is a vile, awful flick. They manage to pack every bad and embarrassing "sub b-movie" cliché into one mindless piece of brain rotting trash. None of the characters exhibit anything that could even remotely be called human traits.

When I finished watching Troll 2 I found it hard to regain my basic motor skills to lift my big ass off the couch. I was physically affected by this in a way I did not realize was possible. This is the worst movie I have ever seen, and that's saying something. It's physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting to watch. I recommend doing it alone, at least the first time you see it., that way you can concentrate on its truly majestic badness and on feeling your brain cells ever so slowly die off, one by one, until you are no longer able to speak. I really wanted to take my time piecing this review together to insure you get a thorough description of what it really is....shit!

0 out of 10 gallons of warm, chunky milk that the dickheads in this attempt to drink