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Python
ANIMALS
Reviewed by jareprime
Sixty feet of pure terror!


A large hybrid snake has escaped and is on the loose in the small town of Ruby. It will soon be up to a few local residents and scientist Dr. Rudolf to either capture the snake or destroy it. That’s the best intro I can give this shitcoil of a movie. Once again the military has somehow come across a snake hybrid that they are trying to use as a weapon. Why does the military in these movies always want the snake, bear or mutated armadillo for some kind of weapon? I doubt that the day will ever come when we send in 80 foot snakes as our first form of shock troops, anyway on to the review.

Robert Englund plays Dr. Rudolf, although he is supposed to be creepy, I thought I was watching a Colonel Sanders Biography on Bravo. As bad as he was, Casper Van Dien is even worse. Van Dien plays Bart Parker, some kind of military guy, and he is horrible. First he has a 70's gay porn mustache and talks with a horrible southern accent which sounds more like a queer lisp, he looks and acts like a slightly butch Freddy Mercury. I'm quite sure the only snake this character ever got close to was a tube snake.

We also get Jenny McCarthy in a cameo and she does not even shed her clothing. I love it when the only two things your famous for, tits and bush, are not even shown. Yeah Jenny, I know you wanna be a serious actress, with choices like this you’re on your way, just keep taking your clothes off and we'll all be happy. We also get William Zabuka as deputy Greg Larson. Who is William Zabuka? you ask, well he played the evil Johnny in the Karate Kid, ya know the blonde guy from the Cobra Kahns. He leads the dip shit Ruby police force, I wanted them all to get ate, annoying all of them.

The snake itself looks semi-bad at time to down right terrible. There is a scene where the snake is trying to eat our hero, and Cooper thwarts the huge snake by punching it in the snout. Yeah, when a 80 foot snake strikes at you, just punch it in the nose! When the snake leaves scales laying around they look like old ziplock bags. From the moment this film started I wanted it to end, bad bad bad.

The snake can spit acid and can decapitate you with it's tail, it is also 80 foot long and weighs about 12 ton, yet it can creep through a dog door, uuugggghh.

This movie was as about as pleasant as shitting a piece of reef coral, avoid at all cost.

1 of 10


(2000) Richard Clabaugh, Phillip J. Roth, Chris Neal

Frayne Rosanoff .... John Cooper
Robert Englund .... Dr. Anton Rudolph
William Zabka .... Greg Larsen
Dana Barron .... Kristin
Sara Mornell .... Theresa
Wil Wheaton .... Tommy
Jenny McCarthy .... Francesca Garibaldi
Chris Owens .... Brian Cooper
Sean Whalen .... Deputy Lewis Ross
Gary Grubbs .... Sheriff Griffin Wade
Theo Nicholas Pagones .... Dootsen (as Theo Pagones)
Scott Williamson .... Kenny Summers
David Bowe .... Boone
Keith Coogan .... Lenny
John Franklin .... Floyd Fuller



 


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