Yes, I am back, and I am now reviewing movies based on classical literature. “Paynecraft, have you lost your mind? There are no zombies or arena sized plot holes in classical literature?” Fear not my numerous loyal fans, I will be back reviewing low-grade horror in no time!

This movie is based on a novel by Oscar Wilde (sounds like an adult movie star), and for the most part stays true to it. The story is a good one and is the reason that I wanted to watch the movie.

An artist by the name of Basil Hallward does this portrait of a very pretty guy named Dorian Gray (yeah, no shit Paynecraft). The portrait bears a striking resemblance to its subject, and the artist considers it his best work. Basil’s friend Lord Henry Wotton and Dorian himself both agree. At this point, Lord Henry comments to Dorian about how beauty is only temporary and soon you will be old and ugly. Dorian laments about this and boldly proclaims that he wishes this portrait would grow old while he remained young forever. He would sell his soul for this. Well, guess what kiddies? That’s right, it happens.

Basically what happens is that Dorian can have a free ride and do whatever kind of debauchery he wants and the portrait absorbs the guilt side of it. The catch is, the more and more that Dorian slips into this pattern of decadence, the more and more it appears that he is losing his soul. The painting, and the guilt that it represents, is driving him mad. For each evil thing that Dorian does, the portrait changes a little, until it is hardly recognizable. This notion disturbs young Dorian. All the while, Dorian does not age in appearance. Not a bad gig, except for the soul forfeiture part in the end.

I like this concept. It tugs at our inner morals and beliefs. Most of you might say that you wouldn’t make this deal, but I bet you thought about it. Let’s face it, if you never die, you never have to give your soul up. And hopefully by the time you decide to hang it up, good has prevailed over evil and you don’t have to honor your deal. A dire gamble indeed. Anyway, enough philosophical mumbo jumbo, let’s get onto the good stuff (you know what I’m talking about).

Cue the cricket noises and the tumbleweed floating across your monitor. No gore, little violence, no nudity! Ahhh, what can you expect? There was a bit of implied violence here and there. There were a couple knifings and suicides and acid baths. Not bad. I’ll take it!

The acting was good and the story flowed well. It was slow at times. It was good enough just to keep me mildly interested. This is an older movie. I believe it came out in 1973. This is the year that brought you such great things as The Exorcist, and yours truly! I’m blushing, stop it!

This movie could have really went off the violence and nudity meter if it was made nowadays. Dorian and Lord Wotton were some partying conscienceless bastards. Sprinkle in a little homoerotic subtleties, and you have the perfect recipe for mischief, or at least a good hard R flick.

This movie wasn’t bad. It was a little slow at times and apparently is about 30 years old. Still yet, I wasn’t disappointed. The storyline is solid.

I give it 4 out of 10 Lord Wottons. This guy is a bastard, but he’s my kind of bastard.

This review was inspired by my apparent lack of culture as of late (yes, I consider this culture. Sad but true). I’m over it now. Back to the plotless zombiefests!