No sir, the knowledge that this movie is loose on the world is my worst nightmare!

First off, let me begin by saying that I was fully prepared to love this movie, based on the trailers I had seen on other Brain Damage DVD’s, I was in no way expecting the movie to turn out this bad.

Linda and Brad are both peeing at the beginning of Massacre; suddenly I get the urge to do the same. That is, the inexplicable urge to urinate all over this one, as I can’t seem to shake the feeling that’s all it's gonna be good for. So Linda and Brad both zip up and head off on a trail through the forest and exchange some damn funny dialog about each other’s families, I don’t want to spoil it, but let me say that the term “fuckwad” is used, and that my friends, is pure independent cinema gold.

Soon Brad tells Linda not to come any further up the trail, because you can tell by the pained look on Brad’s face that he’s come upon something disturbing. Is it a giant bear turd? Could it be a gut pile left by some inconsiderate hunters? Or maybe they’ve happened upon a couple of inbred, forest-dwelling polesmokers stopped for a nooner? Nope, you’ve probably guessed it by now, it’s a dead body with a big freakin’ chef’s knife stuck in his chest. Much to my chagrin, the 2 or 3 minutes of Linda and Brad are about the only pieces of this movie (if I may call it that) that don’t absolutely suck balls.

As is with plenty of horror these days, we are then whisked back 3 days prior to Linda and Brad’s grisly discovery. We find ourselves cruising along in a minivan full of guys and gals (who I’m thinking will be the flesh donors) obviously heading out for some kind of camping trip or picnic. The blonde bimbo in the van is doing a poor job making it look like she’s drinking a beer while asking a bunch of asinine celebrity deathmatch type questions, all the while bouncing back and forth to a supposed beat, but it looks more like she has a really bad case of ADHD.

The next 6 minutes are completely wasted in some type of surreal dream sequence scene where one of the girls wakes up in the van, stopped sideways on the freeway, to find her co-passengers dead on the freeway (with not a drop of blood on them by the way) and the girl is carrying a hatchet that is covered in blood as well as her arms and hands. She then stands there in the middle of the road, staring into oblivion for at least another minute or two while we wait for a strange bloody old man to pull up in another minivan and pick her up. 6 minutes of my life wasted. That’s 6 minutes I could have spent watching my female beagle try to hump my female Australian shepherd. 6 minutes that could have been spent investigating the pus seeping from the scabs on my arm that are leftover from my brush with the pavement a couple weeks ago. Either way, it was 6 minutes that could have been better spent doing ANYTHING other than watch that scene. Yes my friends a new urge has surfaced, 16 minutes in and I’m checking the run time to once again see how much longer I need to suppress the dire need to end my life quickly.

As if that wasn’t enough, we have to endure another 2 minutes of ADHD chick walking around topless with scenes switching between her walking in some kind of junkyard, and another with her walking down some train tracks, all while in the Jesus Christ pose and while listening to the background noise of someone fucking around with the tuning dial on a radio. We also quickly figure out that the director fancies himself some kind of David Lynch wannabe. Now just for the record, I really can’t fucking stand anything that David Lynch has ever done, and he gets a budget to work with, comprende? Any more of this, and I’ll be coroner fodder.

Nope, no rest for the weary, we then get treated to a catfight that breaks out in the van between dreaming chick, and ugly blonde chick, they go at it and call each other every catty name in the book; bitch, cunt, slut, whore, slut-ho, bitch, bitch, you get the picture. The guys unconvincingly break it up and we go back to some more scenes that have already been recycled 3 times and we’re only 21 minutes into the movie. The van then runs out of gas, and Jeff heads off with a gas can, the movie then cuts to what’s supposed to be a music video of a song called “Outta Gas (Goin for More)” which is some shitty metal guitar playing set to Jeff walking around with his gas can. Jeff luckily finds gas at an old house, inhabited by some kind of witch who just asks to read Jeff’s aura in return for the gas. Witchy woman (sorry Eagles had to do it) sees the massacre coming, then freaks out and begs Jeff “don’t go there.” What is this, the Jerry Springer show? “Don’t go there!” How’s that for some dialog!?

Jeff makes it to a gas station on what the witch gave him, they fuel up and FINALLY get to where they’re going camping. They break out the booze and the football and we get treated to some drunken home movie type cinematography. This just keeps getting better and better. But what can we expect, the guy who plays Jeff IS the director and he’s too busy starring in the movie, and putting up a tent, and tying a girls bikini top to realize that he hired a crack whore to be his camera person.

If you want to see any gore whatsoever, fast forward to about 58 minutes into the movie, this is pretty much where the gore starts, and it isn’t even that good, the violence is suggestive, and the gore comes in the form of badly done computer graphics to make limbs appear to be missing and blood spurt from the stumps, it really is pretty laughable. At 1hr and 4sec in we get a ridiculously drawn out and goofy ass chainsawing, followed by some more poorly CGI’d heads on sticks, a bloodless Achilles tendon clipping with some pruners, followed by a bloodless mallet blow to the head, a promise of torture while waving an auger bit over a girl that delivers absolutely squat, this is followed by a few more bits that are barely even worth this mention. Nothing, nada, zip, zilch, not one small bit of gore anywhere in this heap that’s even worth a damn. Just someone who’s doing some testing on his computer or something. I doubt this movie cost even $100 to make, it’s that bad.

Also I am fully convinced that Joseph Clark is bigtime into “watersports” because there is absolutely waaaay too much emphasis on pissing in this movie, Clark has about 3 or 4 pissing scenes himself, WTF??!! Just about everyone is shown taking a piss, hell the movie starts out with a couple pissing for Christ sakes!

In the end, Mister Clark tries to dump an M. Knight Shyamalan twist on us and fails miserably. What he does is create a totally incoherent, confusing, and illogical ending that’s got more holes in it than a wheel of swiss cheese. I won’t go into it and spoil it for anyone foolish enough to seek this one out after a review like this. If you really must know how it ends, e-mail me, and I'll muster up the strength, supress my gag reflex and recall the ending to explain to you.

The quote of a critic on the DVD's jacket says "A combination of American Psycho, Friday the 13th and Evil Dead!" That quote right there is enough proof to me that the person who wrote it should permanently have their eyes and fingers violently removed.

In closing, I’d just like to say a single thing to Joseph Clark and I’ll actually borrow from the dialog of this horrible movie. You sir, are a complete and total “fuckwad.”

Yep, even worse than House of the Dead! So with that I have to go into the negatives

-3 out of 10 scenes of true horror in the form of a fat hairy dude baring his ass WAY too many times!