Well, after my traumatic weekend of watching shitty scarecrow flicks, I decided I would treat myself to an oldie but goodie. The Lair of the White Worm is an odd little tale, which is sure to please many people who enjoy their horror mixed with camp and a side order of Hugh Grant. This movie is based on a novel by Bram Stoker, but that is really of no consequence.

The story starts out at a boarding house. A college student is having an archaeological dig there, when he discovers an odd elongated skull. The skull appears to be from the dinosaur age, but according to other artifacts in the dig, it should be dated around the time of the Romans.

Later on that night, he goes to a party with two lady friends. The theme of the party is the slaying of a giant worm (or possibly “dragon” or “snake”) by a local hero many eons ago. A distant relative of this hero is the host of the party, played by one Hugh Grant (you thought this was low budget didn’t you?). At this party they discuss the significance of the student’s discovery. The next day one of the women has a medieval “daymare” of pagan conquest, the antique skull disappears, and a very mysterious and bizarre woman enters into the scene. All of this sets the stage for the acid trip known as The Lair of the White Worm!

For those of you expecting to see naked painted snake girls running around and nuns getting impaled with spike dildos, you won’t be disappointed! Nudity is aplenty, mostly brought to you by the sultry Amanda Donahoe. There are several bits of gore, as well as a totally sufficient amount of violence. There are also a few scenes that are just plain old graphic in nature. You will always have that when spike dildos are in the mix though. All this is upstaged, however, by the general weirdness of the movie. There are several dream sequences/visions that really steal the show. You have cheesy psychedelic effects like off of the old Iron Man video by Black Sabbath. You have weird pagan savages dancing around that totally reminded me of the ultra-cheesy Welcome to my Nightmare video (a great album nonetheless). All the while, the theme of the visions is Christian battles with a pagan snake cult and nuns and romans running around. Complete sweet chaos! There is also a dream sequence that will leave you rolling, or at least leave you wondering why in the hell you took Paynecraft’s advice on this movie in the first place.

This movie is quite quirky. There are several plot holes in it, but once you see a man in a kilt playing a bagpipe, trying to charm a snake man, you realize that plot holes are no longer of any consequence.

This is overall a great movie. There is a good storyline, pretty good acting, and a double order of camp, served up hot. This is the second time I watched this movie with my girlfriend (I’ve seen it several other times). The first time she watched it, she pretty much walked out whenever she saw the vision sequence. This time I requested she stay and watch the rest of it. She begrudgingly did so, and ended up liking it. I like to use my girlfriend as a gauge sometimes, because she is often my only link to reality. I'm kinda in my own world, where cheese is king and Christopher Lambert kicks ass. My point is, there are a couple really wacked out scenes, with really bad, albeit intentional, effects, but if you suck it up and carry forward, you will not be disappointed.

This review was inspired by reality. It’s 3:00 AM and I have to get up in 4 hours and go to work. Such is the life of a chronic insomniac horrorphile…