That's right RUN, run far away from the clutches of this evil movie!

I literally JUST got done watching House of the Dead, and I wanted to write the review fast so I don't have to watch it again, or rehash any scenes from that steaming pile of monkey shit. This is by far, the worst movie I have ever seen before. I hope you kiddies appreciate what I went through, because I was ready to shitcan it about 20-30 minutes in, but no, I toughed it out so that hopefully I can save at least one of you from being subjected to this dreck.

I have seen movies that I didn't like, and movies that I thought were horrible, but I was always able to glean something from them that I liked. One small nugget of goodness that I could take away and say "at least that BLANK part was good." Not so with this movie, there was nudity, but not from the people you want to see. The gore was comical, there was lot's of it, but it was terrible, almost cartoony.

Interspersed throughout the whole movie there were scenes from the House of the Dead video game, and there was actually a part where they were flashing back and forth between the movie and video game so you could see what part of the game they were trying to copy! I really think that they ended filming too soon and had to add filler to make it a feature length movie....

Also, this movie made me want to start a petition calling for the prohibition of bullet time. That's right, I would rather never see any bullet time scenes again, than see it used the way it was in this abortion of a film. All of the bullet time was pointless, about five minutes of just spinning around characters while they fight. Absolutely pointless!

1 out of 10 steaming piles of rancid monkey shit

I've finally watched House of the Dead, from all accounts the most blasphemous abomination that Hollywood's ever spat in our faces. I didn't hate it. It wasn't good, it wasn't even decent, but I've seen worse.

It could have been the zombie version of I Know What You Did Last Summer, had they just cut down on the stupidity a little bit. Just a tad less input from imbeciles, and it might have reached actual mediocrity.

To prove that point, the 360 degree shots, the camera moves around a person really fast so you can see them from all angles. How many of us have yearned to see a man holding a gun from all angles? Fucking none of us, that's how many. Whoever thought that would make the movie better was a Goddamned retard. If they'd done that during the skinny dipping scene, that would have been different, they didn't.

In the making of documentary on the disc, they were actually proud that they went about everything as if it was an action flick instead of a horror flick. Good job, retards.

Incidentally, the skinny dipping scene was by far the best scene in the movie.

1 out of 10 pointless camera tricks that add nothing to the film

Let me start by saying that I've never played the video game in question. Furthermore, there is an awful lot of crap out there, in every genre, and I've seen worse films than this one. But not many.

As 1Winged pointed out, you can indeed see the jump platforms that sprung the zombies into the air. But is that the real crime here or is it worse to think that the shit-brained director actually thinks that zombies can jump like kangaroos.

And what about the zombie makeup. Some of the creatures looked decent. But others, who were right in front of the camera mind you, looked like they were wearing bad Halloween costumes. At least try for some consistency.

Those were just some of the lowlights but my favorite of the ridiculousness came when the party hungry, rave seeking, twenty somethings get their hands on some weapons and they become the fucking Green Berets!!

The good was that there was a sufficient amount of eye candy available. And while Flames has a point about the wrong ones getting naked, come on Ona Grauer you could have flashed us a little peek, at least someone did.

Save your money and don't see this putrid movie.

1 out of 10 Spanish outcasts ending up on an island off the coast of Washington state. HUH?

I'd like to start by saying this - I love zombie movies, and I loved the house of the dead video games! The games were so fun that you didn't care about the very literal japanese translation of certain phrases (i.e. when a woman is being chased by a zombie in the game, instead of saying something like "stay back", she says "don't come!") Even on the consoles the games rocked. Very enjoyable.

But a plot? Huh, not really - at least nothing worth mentioning, because when they do in the games, you dismiss it as mostly poorly translated dribble and wait impatiently for the next level. Which brings me to the movie. Even with the nudity and cute girls. Even with the violence and the zombie theme. Even with hot chicks wielding cool weapons - this was such a waste of my time! From the end of the movie it seems as though this was made to be a prequel to the games.

Here's my advice - since the games were so mindless, why make a movie prequel? Chock full of horrible acting and crappy sub-plot upon sub-plot this movie stank. Stay away at all costs! ESPECIALLY fans of the game!

I give this one 1 out of the traditional 10. The makers should compensate me for watching this tripe!

This was a terrible movie. Luckily Rave to the Grave and Necropolis were made so this piece of shit would have some company.

Not much else needs to be said about this movie that hasn't already been covered. Few things annoy me more than 20 year old yuppies who become soldiers of fortune when presented with a bunch of weapons. I hate that gimmick. Also, was there any doubt that the oriental girl (Liberty) would know martial arts?

One thing that got me was why the people didn't try to use the boat as their last line of defense instead of a run down house in the middle of the jungle. They were already at the boat to begin with and would have had the benefit of being able to drive the boat away. Stupid logic.

The acting was bad and the script was nonsensical. who would really have the resources to have a rave that elaborate and out of the way anyway? The whole video game angle didn't really bother me. The movie was adapted from a video game so I kinda seen it coming.

To summarize, this movie sucks. I give it 2 out of 10 reasons to stay at home on the weekends instead of going out.

Let me start by admitting that I'm not a gamer. I haven't owned a game system since the Vextrex in 1986, so I saw House of the Dead from the perspective of a a horror movie fan only.

That said, from the opening narration spoken by a guy so devoid of emotion that you just know he relaized which movie his face is forever going to be associated with, House of the Dead falls squarely into the categlory of "so bad it's good."

Channeling the spirit of Ed Wood, Uwe Boll gives us some decent gore and okay zombie effects set it the middle of a largely plotless movie with no reedeming performances.

Some choice moments:

- One character stating to his companions that the three of them are inside of a catacomb beneath the house while they are actually already standing inside of - you guessed it- a catacomb beneath the house.

-Clint Howard popping up as a parody of the I Know What You Did Last Summer fisherman. No shit- Clint Howard actually appears wearing a yellow rain slicker with a hook in one hand, sporting a bad accent that sounds suspiciously like Popeye on crack. I almost shat nmyself with laughter. Uwe boll not only makes a piss poor zombie flick, he references one of the worst slasher flicks ever in the process! Fucking choad.

- Discriminating rain. Guy is on the boat, it pours rain,. Same guy is twenty feet from the boat on shore all of two minutes later, with the boat clearly in the background, and there's nary a drop to be seen.

- Any of Ellie Cornell's lines. She manages to come off as wooden even when surrounded with worst actors in history. This explains why she had a total of about fifty lines in Halloween part four and five combined, twenty of which were her screaming "Jaimie" at the top of her lungs.

This is the type of film which screams for an MST3K revival. Ironically, it's so very bad that it will undoubtedly receive more play than many good movies I own. Honestly, I haven't laughed this hard in years. Great bad cinema, and a classic example of how to get it wrong. Bring on Mike and the robots.

House of the dead: As a straight horror film: One out of ten effectivly splattered heads.
As a comedy : Ten out of ten reasons I'm suddenly glad I've seen Ellie Cornell die in two different movies.