This movie could have been so much better if the makers just applied themselves a little more and didn't let themselves think that sex sells (which it does, but not in this capacity). Basically this is a lesbian romance movie that crashed into a horror movie somewhere along the way.

We begin with one of the main characters, Dan (I'll call him DICK for this review), the movie's token asshole who plays the part a bit too well. Anyway, DICK takes the group of fraternity dorks and their bimbos on the tour of the warehouse where the haunted house setting resides. Along the way he shows everyone the costumes that they'll be using, the props that need placing for the haunted house, and the [ahem] private rooms in the back (gee I wonder what those will be used for?)

Not long after the tour, a crusty old geezer named Pumpkin Jack shows up with a cart of shit that he donates to the house every year. Just so happens that Pumpkin Jack has a strange looking book with wiccan like markings and ancient writing and it just so happens that one of the girls there knows how to read it! She looks at the book and tells everyone about how the devil made everyone bow down and kiss his backside, and that the devil’s dong split into 3 tentacles. Why you may ask? Well, maybe you won’t ask, but one of the bubble headed bimbos does. The answer, “one for each opening” I swear to you good readers I am not making this up.

So blah blah blah, some really boring stuff happens, a group picture is taken, the keg is broken out and everyone’s partying and getting drunk. Turns out that DICK isn’t a happy drunk either (big surprise) and we learn that DICK’s girlfriend is batting for the other team. Painfully boring character and relationship development is done, a couple lame sex scenes (including a completely pointless and poorly done lesbian scene. Lesbians, do you guys honestly just snuggle and caress each other? I think not.)

Next day, the group is setting up the haunted house, and a mysterious pumpkin is brought in. DICK gets pissed because he didn’t authorize funding for a pumpkin and also because he’s DICK! Haunted house opens people go in, boo, ahhhh, shriek, scream….You get the picture. Then suddenly a pirate gets his fingers bitten off by the pumpkin and all hell breaks loose (again, I swear I’m not making this up.)

My biggest problem with the movie is DICK. DICK talks smack, gets in people’s faces, threatens bodily harm, and basically acts like a badass. Problem is DICK is more like a 120 pound weakling, a skinny pencil-necked dork who’s about as worrisome as a cloudy day, definitely not intimidating whatsoever. No one stands up to him, they all back down. If I were there DICK would have said maybe 5 words, 10 max before I made him eat the business end of my fist.

Second the whole lesbian thing is sooooo played out. I’m not a homophobe, and I don’t have any problem whatsoever with people who are in same sex relationships, but this movie’s lesbian couple didn’t do a damn thing for the plot, it was an annoying distraction that I personally could have done without. And Kira, one of the lesbians is cute, but has an adam’s apple, that bugged me.

A few flashes of some real (hooray) breasts, a little gore that wasn’t very well done, but not for a lack of trying (this movie was obviously made on a shoestring budget), and some classic overacting, especially on the part of Amy Morris who gets a little carried away at the end and delivers her lines with way too much gusto while shaking like a smack junkie who desperately needs a fix.

A solid effort that just had too much filler thrown in otherwise it could have been a contender.

2.5 out of 10 badly needed dialog coaches