It's the midnight hour and your tastes for blood, sex, carnage and violence need to be sated, there is only one place to go, one place that will feed the need and that place is the local grindhouse theater. As you step through the door and walk through the sticky aisles, trying to find the best of the broken seats, your eyes begin to adjust to the poorly lit room. You finally sit down, grab a handful of stale popcorn, scarf it down, trying not to wonder if the greasy substance coating it is actually butter or not, and then wash it down with a big gulp of flat soda. This is it, as good as it's gonna get, but the movies are about to start. As you gaze at the stain-splattered screen, your mood begins to change as the images in front of you begging to slowly take the edge off by taking you over, this is Grindhouse!

Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez once again team up to take film fans on another wild ride of cinema fantasy, but this time around you get two complete full-length features written and directed by the devious duo. Rodriguez's Planet Terror and Tarantino's Death Proof are homages to the classic exploitation flicks that the two grew up on. All bets are off and no holds are barred as Grindhouse is more than worth the price of admission.

The first part of our double feature is Planet Terror by Robert Rodriguez. It’s is an all out splatterfest that goes from 0 to 100 in about two seconds. After a "military accident" releases some nasty gas into the air, a small, rural Texas town is gonna have some serious problems as the local folk begin to turn into pulsating, flesh craved, creatures who will feast on anything they can get their mutated hands on. Before you can say "Romero," a group of town locals will be holed up in a local BBQ joint have to make one hell of a last stand against the creatures that keep pouring over the hill. It's gonna be bloody, it's gonna be messy and it's all WAY over the top!

Planet Terror was a blast and for fans of straight up splatter horror this one will consume you whole. Each scene in this one either has blood or bullets in it, but most of them have both, and in ample supply. The gore factor in this one may be on par with Dead Alive as the goo spurts and the blood flows and splashes in brilliant crimson. There are head shots, vehicle rundowns, chopper decapitations and more people munching than you can shake a hungry zombie at. But it isn't all just blood and guts, no way! You get subplots involving the military and even a very disturbing domestic disturbance between husband and wife doctors.

The cast of Planet Terror are also top notch, as Rodriguez really hits some homers in his casting choices, Michael Beihn, Josh Brolin, Freddy Rodriguez and the machine gun-legged Rose McGowan all nail their roles, but it was a crazy-ass Jeff Fahey who steals nearly every scene he is in. Also Marley Shelton as the numb-handed Dakota Block needs a nod of respect for her, at times, hilarious role. Planet Terror is just great kick-back horror fun from start to finish, so sit back and enjoy, Rodriguez opens the Grindhouse with an incredible bang.

The second half of our double feature is Quentin Tarantino's killer car flick, Death Proof, which also and literally goes from 0 to 100 in about two seconds, but unfortunately it hits some huge dialog potholes along the way, before coming to an outstanding conclusion.

Death Proof follows the deeds of Stuntman Mike a smarmy killer with a truly unique way of eliminating his victims.

Mike is played by Kurt Russell, who I always thought was a great actor, but he blew me away in this one. Russell plays mike with two very distinct personalities, he is cool and cruel with his first victims, but by the end of the flick he is well.... let's just say it's a real treat to see what becomes of him. As Mike, Russell stalks his victims for awhile learning a little about them before making his move, this is the best part of the Death Proof half of the movie.

Unfortunately in between the two amazing car scenes Tarantino spends way too long developing characters that may or may not make it through the next twenty minutes of the film. Yes, there are some great Tarantino-esque banter between our female leads, but it is too much and really makes the segment very dry, that is until Russell shows up and makes the roads and the screen wet with blood.

The car scenes in this flick were awesome and the way they show the first one through multiple angles and points of view was incredible, road kill never looked so good. The second scene is more of a chase scene but the ending of Death Proof was just fantastic, it's just all the overdone character dialog that made it drag so much and Traci Thoms' character Kim is nothing short of a female Samuel L. Jackson. But Russell steals the show in this one and I loved his character.

Newbie actress Zoe Bell, who was the stunt double for Uma Thurman in Kill Bill, also deserves a nod for kicking ass in her first leading role.

But Planet Terror and Death Proof are not the only attractions in Grindhouse, Tarantino and Rodriguez also give fellow filmmakers Eli Roth, Rob Zombie and Edgar Wright a chance to have a part in the show by allowing them to direct the trailers at the beginning and in the middle of the films. All are good but it was Roth's trailer for "Thanksgiving" that put me into tears. "Werewolf Women of the S.S.", "Machete" and "Don't" were good, but "Thanksgiving" was simply the shit.

All and all Grindhouse is a great movie-going experience, with the two films and all the little extra bells and whistles I look forward to going back to the Grindhouse again and again for future fixes of carnage and mayhem.

Planet Terror 8 of 10
Death Proof 6 of 10
Extras 9 of 10

GRAND SPANKING TOTAL: 7.5 of 10

I went to see Grindhouse this past weekend and all I’ve got to say is “WOW!”… well, sort of.

First off, I’ll start with Robert Rodriguez’s Planet Terror. This was by far the most fun I’ve had in a theater all year! Pardon my French, but this movie kicked ass from start to finish. I have only seen two of Rodriguez’s previous films, those being From Dusk Till Dawn and Sin City, but I liked Planet Terror more than both of them, and that’s saying a lot.

The gore is more than ample and way over the top. Prime mentioned in his review exactly what I was thinking while watching this, and that was the fact that this movie is going to give Dead Alive a big-time run for it’s money for the goriest movie of all time, in the realm of comedic gore that is. Also worth mentioning is that Freddy Rodríguez as Wray played one of the coolest heroes I’ve seen in a movie since William Forsythe as Sheriff Wydell in The Devil’s Rejects. My only complaint (if I have to have one) is this: where the heck was the trigger to that leg gun? All-in-all, Planet Terror alone is worth the price of admission.

Now, onto Quentin Tarantino’s Death Proof. This movie may have been alright had it played by itself (big emphasis on “may have”), but on the heels of Planet Terror, it dragged way too much. I understand it was intended to be dialog-driven, but DAMN! I got up at one point to run to the little boys room and came back. I got up yet again to go get more salt and butter for my popcorn, and according to my girlfriend, I still didn’t miss anything besides a bunch of women talking.

On the plus side, once the action did pick up it was extremely tense and very well done. There were even some points when I was actually scared for the characters, and I certainly didn’t expect that going into this one. I also loved seeing Kurt Russel’s transformation from beginning to the end of the flick. And for the record, Death Proof also has one of the best beat-down scenes I have seen in quite some time.

The fake trailers were great. Especially Machete, Don’t, and Thanksgiving. It almost brings a tear to your eye that these movies won’t be coming to a grindhouse theater near you.

I’ve rambled on long enough. Onto the ratings:

Planet Terror isn’t Oscar-worthy by any means, nor is it even remotely scary. But given the type of balls-out movie this was intended to be, I couldn’t ask for anything more. That’s why I give Planet Terror a perfect 10 out of 10 infected and rapidly decomposing genital regions (try showing this movie to people who are thinking of having unprotected sex).

Death Proof really didn’t measure up to Planet Terror and was too bogged down with dialogue, but had great performances from the cast and some crazy tense moments. So I’m giving Death Proof 6 out of 10 massive cans of whoop@ss opened on a stuntman.

All in all, I give Grindhouse (including the faux trailers) 8.5 out of 10 testicles in a jar.

Planet Terror was lotsa fun -- nasty, at times cringeworthy, and exhilarating in some of its more ridiculous moments. Over-the-top action and cheese, just as zomploitation and Rodriguez fans should expect. Brownie points for throwing in connections to the current situations in Afghanistan and Iraq (not important to the plot, but political sidenotes are par for the course with zombie flicks). More brownie points for occasional visual puns, which I won't detail on accounta spoilers. Zombie points for Tom Savini.

Bizarro-points for blood that doesn't spurt from bullet wounds but explodes, buboes that explode, cars that explode for no reason, background objects that explode without any apparent cause, and logic that explodes because it's funnier that way. The nonsensical bits (e.g. zombies who're more vulnerable to torso stab wounds than to bullets, a machine gun attachment that can be fired by using the Force, I guess) are perfectly acceptable in this ludicrous thrill ride through a zombie armageddon that will give dermatologists nightmares for years.

Death Proof has some great moments, and it's worth seeing. Kurt Russell is quite good, and some of the stuff he yells out out toward the end is just fantastic. But the movie was a bit disappointing for one reason in particular: without exaggeration, every single scene went on too long. Half of the cameos by characters from Planet Terror lasted so long, with enough camera focus and dialogue of their own, that it made me mad that they were only cameos. Even the action scenes were too long; they were well executed, except how many dozens of times does the same collision or blow to the face have to happen before it feels repetitive? Find out... in Death Proof!

And if this movie was supposed to be dialogue-driven, then that was kinda sad; the dialogue tended to be pointless, unintelligent, and interminable. It would be fine if it didn't last forever. Unlike the endless dialogue in some of Tarantino's other movies, this dialogue had very little to it that was snappy, entertaining, or revealing about the characters except to show that they were unremarkable people whose conversations I wouldn't be interested in if I overheard them in real life. Occasionally the boring dialogue had injected in it convenient information to set up predictable later action, like, "Hey, so you're the nimble, agile one of our group!" (The same thing happens in Planet Terror, but that's fun cheese, not boring cheese.) The dialogue occasionally serves the purpose, it seems, of Tarantino name-dropping some more 'classic' flicks, which is great on posters in the background of the sets but simply uninteresting in the dialogue.

Anyway, there are clevertudes and many things to like about both movies. Odd editing, missing reels, poor film quality, and mountains of cheese make for a joyful jaunt back to the days when shock and schlock enjoyed a perverse marriage, and the action and tension in both movies are perfect for folks who want to sit back, let their intellects hibernate, and enjoy the rush.

The fake previews are hilarious. By the way, at least as of this review, IMDb.com lists Machete (one of the previews) as a made-for-video movie by Robert Rodriguez to come out in 2008.

Review Rating
Planet Terror: 7.5 out of 10 bad ways to get your hand stuck in a car door.
Death Proof: 5 out of 10 pipe dreams that come true.
Total experience: 8.5 out of 10 reasons I'm wondering if Tarantino has some deep-seated sexual frustration he's trying to work out