Oh. My. God. I got this movie because the brief summary I heard (biker turns into turkey monster) just sounded too ... unique to pass up. I was right. I wish I wasn't, but I was right. And now I am changed forever.

That is because this movie proves the nonexistence of God. (Despite being a sort of pro-Jesus propaganda piece. I think.) It is completely impossible that a benevolent, all-powerful intelligence exists in the same universe as this movie. There is simply no way. Q.E.D.

The plot is basically: biker turns into turkey monster. Or, more specifically, the biker (and co-director) falls in with two sisters - one bible banger, one junkie slut. He likes the bible banger, but mooches a laced joint off of junkie slut that gets him addicted in, like, 3 puffs. Then he goes to the job the bible banger got for him, which is taste testing chemically altered turkey meat. Sadly, the additives in the doobie react badly with the additives in the turkey meat, turning him into a dude with a turkey pinata for a head who must drink the blood of junkies to get his fix.

Then you get some of the most hilariously lame kills I've ever had the pleasure of seeing. Bless their hearts, apparently they couldn't afford fake blood so they used Kool-Aid. Most of it is just silly-bad, but at least one gore effect is actually almost cool - full marks for creative use of an amputee in a stunt, and, man, that dude milks his 5 minutes of fame for all it is worth. This is all interspersed with a completely senseless narrator (the other co-director) rambling on insensibly, trying to look cool with his cigarette and give some coherence to the goings on. He fails completely.

Now, don't get the wrong impression. I really enjoyed this movie. A "so bad it's good" movie is actually pretty hard to find, and Blood Freak nails it. But I'm sort of at a loss as to how to explain what this movie is like. It is sort of Plan 9 From Outer Space crossed with The Girl With the Golden Boots (of MST3K fame). In fact, at the very beginning, when the supposed narrator starts spewing nonsense from the script on his desk, the first thing I thought was "uh-oh, this is inauspiciously like the 'future events like these will affect you, in the future!' speech." But it's even worse than that, because this guy keeps coming back. And his flammable shirt just gets worse and worse every time you see it. The "twist" ending is so unbelievably stupid that even I didn't see it coming, and couldn't quite believe it when I did. No one involved can act, hold a camera, or make a paper mache bird head.

And yet ... and yet. The wacky chain smoking narrator resolves into a nice little (intentional) joke at the end, which makes you wonder: did they actually mean it, all of it? Was this fiasco on purpose? Is the whole thing actually a comic pratfall, rather than a train wreck?

Blood Freak was made for about $1.49 in 1972, and it looks every penny of it. I sincerely don't know whether to rate this an 8 or a 1, it was that fabulously awful.