Alright folks, the forums are back up and we have the "Recent Posts" block back. I'm really ready for some new reviews, anyone can submit, let's get this site going!

I've been watching urban horror films recently, mostly curious to see if there is anything worthwhile (or even just interesting) lurking in the junk. I have to admit, my standards for what I find enjoyable are pretty low - I'll deem something worthwhile just because the costumes are crazy, or some actor gets off one really tight line, or just because I decide someone deserves an A for effort. Urban horror still has disappointed me greatly.

But I am happy to report that Gangs of the Dead is a well crafted, enjoyable little indie film. I wouldn't rush out to buy the DVD, but on a lazy weekend afternoon it beats CSI reruns all to hell.

Basically, two rival gangs, one Hispanic and one black, plus assorted others (cops doing surveillance, some arm candy, a weatherman, and Reggie Bannister of Phantasm fame) are trapped together in the warehouse of a shabby local arms dealer while hoards of zombified homeless beseige them from outside. Who is more dangerous, the zombies or the humans? Obviously the set-up is not original, and Gangs of the Dead doesn't go out of its way to surprise. But it is still a very solid, well made little zombie flick.

The zombies are old school: slow, dumb shamblers. I don't mind fast zombies particularly, but I give bonus points for sticking to Romero Rules.

Reporter, Angela Vidal and her cameraman are on assignment filming a night in the life of the Barcelona Fire Department for a late-night television show. What they actually record that night will be more than either of them bargained for.

I love the zombie subgenre, but I typically don’t find the films to be all that frightening. With that being said, [REC] is one the scarier zombie movies I’ve seen. There have been 3 zombie movies released within a year of each other that used the handheld camera style of filming: The Zombie Diaries, [REC], & Diary Of The Dead (in that order). While the other two created more of a documentary feel with the handheld cameras, [REC] used the style most effectively to elevate the level of fear.

At times, you are on the edge of your seat. At other times, the action slows to a virtual crawl, but only long enough to lull the viewer into a false sense of security before delivering the next big jolt. Of the three movies mentioned earlier, this one arguably does the best job of placing the viewer in the center of the action... big emphasis on arguably.

Ah, my loyal legions of fans. I graciously bring you my return to the arcane art of horror movie reviewing! If only it were under better circumstances. The only reason why I watched this flick was because a bunch of movie channels were free one weekend last month, and we tivo’d the shit out of all of them, looking for gems that we would have ordinarily passed up. This was one of them that we recorded, but it is no gem, oh no. To be fair, it was watchable and even intriguing at times. I couldn’t take it seriously however. Permit me to start from the beginning.

The movie starts out in a flashback from 1969. Three jocks up to no good "roofie" their prom dates. I didn’t know the uber-popular "roofie" was around back then, but I should’ve guessed, since everybody was high and tripped out back then anyways. Two of the three girls were totally blown out from it, but the other one didn’t take as much, so she was somewhat coherent. An elaborate prank unfolds, and it turns out the guys were trying to trick the girls for some reason. A blond was involved in the prank as well. The coherent girl gets scared and runs away and the jocks give chase. One guy finds the girl. A struggle ensues and the guy hits the girl. She falls onto an anvil or something and dies. The guy gets scared and throws her in a trunk, where she patiently awaits her undead rampage of vengeance on some teens 30 years later that had nothing to do with her murder. Wait, I almost forgot. This spectral girl would’ve remained in this trunk for all eternity, except for one thing. Three girls at an overnight slumber party awaken her by chanting "Bloody Mary" three times! Uggghh. This, my friends, is Urban Legends: Bloody Mary!

Four thugs are looking to break out of street hustling and move onto bigger and better crimes. They learn of a bank that's never been robbed (it's a holding depot for other banks) and go to a Mobfather for weapons. He agrees for a 10% profit plus what he's owed from the botched job. Since he was screwed from their last job, the mobfather has a military veteran and bodyguard named Jackson ready to aid them in the heist.

The four thugs decide to rob the bank without Jackson only to end up screwing up the job, again. As night falls and, the thieves and hostages find themselves holding up in the bank as the town becomes ravaged by bloodthirsty flesh-eating creatures who were once human. Enter the man called Hunter - a mysterious character who has run into these creatures before and knows how to deal with them. Armed with guns and knives, Hunter and the gang have to try and survive a massive attack by the creatures.

All I can say is that I took one for the team on this one. This movie had way too much thug life for me. I don't speak the vernacular and had to think about some of the slang that was used. Rappers make up the main cast, and I guess they wanted to try their hand at acting. I can't say that they were horrible, but they were far from great.

Quarantine
MoH: Fair-Haired Child
The Evil Dead
Torso
The Strangers
Saw V
The Happening
Black Water
Day of the Dead '08
Diary of the Dead
Cloverfield
I Am Legend
Hatchet
The Mist
Saw IV
Shutter
Species 4
Inside
Daemon
Doomed
Dracula III
One Missed Call
Severance
AVP:R
Ju-On 2
Black Sheep
Silence of the Lambs
Clown
Wishing Stairs
Night of the Living Dorks
HeartSick
5ive Girls
Fido
Judge Dredd vs Aliens
Zodiac
Are You Scared?
Magic

Of all the genres of film, none is so hard to pull of as the horror comedy. When the combination of a genre dependent upon lightning fast timing and a genre devoted to establishing mood and atmosphere works, it is a wonder to behold (Shaun of the Dead). When it fails, it’s a mess (Creepshow III, Return of the Living Dead II).

Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer - I am happy to report - falls resolutely into the first category. This is one of the most entertaining horror comedy hybrids I’ve seen since the aforementioned Shaun - a movie that makes a legitimate effort to establish the character and his surroundings before leading the audience into an action paced, splattery coup de’ resistance of a finale.

It seems that plumber Jack Brooks (Trevor Matthews) has had anger issues ever since he watched his family get viciously slaughtered by a monster as a boy. Now an adult, he is in a pseudo relationship with a an overbearing woman/classmate named Eve (Rachel Skarsten) , attends night school and makes frequent visits (invited or not) to his hapless therapist (Daniel Nash) where he vents his seemingly endless rage

His class- (the subject seems to be chemistry) is taught by the kindly Professor Gordon Crowley (Robert Englund, in the best performance he’s given since he played the Phantom of the Opera back in 1989), who one night after class asks Jack to come by and work on some pipes which are giving him trouble at home. Jack agrees and in the course of the job unwittingly unleashes an ancient evil buried on the Professors property.

Oh man, where to begin? I try not to gush about films, but this one has it all.

Do you remember the story a few years ago about the two guys that met online and one agreed to let the other one eat him? Well this here is the movie version of that little story and all I have to say is “What the fuck?” Man this is one twisted-ass little tale and one really twisted-ass little independent, foreign movie.

Here’s the break down kiddies, one character known as “The Cannibal” wants to eat human flesh. “The Cannibal” is perverted and bizarre to say the least, he likes to watch pigs be butchered and in his spare time he likes to crawl around on the floor biting the penis off of small clay sculptures. He also tries dating from time to time, but when he tells people of his desire to eat them, he normally gets punched in the face, that is until he meets our second character in this flick known only as “The Flesh”.

Now as messed up as “The Cannibal” is, well “The Flesh” is just plain fucking good old fashioned crazy. “The Flesh” wants to be eaten, yup, but more than that he wants to eat a little of himself before he buys the farm to, can you guess what he wants to chow on? If you said “his cock?” you’re right!

So after hanging out and banging the hell out of one another for about two days, shown in all it’s fully graphic glory, “The Flesh” decides it’s time to go for the gusto and get this whole thing underway for the end game. But “The Cannibal” doesn’t want to let go of his pet just yet, so he gets bitch slapped and ridiculed for a few moments, and then this flick really begins to change gears.

What you are about to see is inspired by true events. According to the F.B.I. there are an estimated 1.4 million violent crimes in America each year. On the night of February 11, 2005 Kristen McKay and James Hoyt went to a friend's wedding reception and then returned to the Hoyt family's summer home. The brutal events that took place there are still not entirely known.

This is what we are told at the beginning of the movie. Trust me, this gives NOTHING away, but establishes a very basic plot. When this movie came out I was excited to see it. It looked like it was going to be really scary and very well done. I just finished watching this last night and amidst the hype, I just wasn't impressed.

There's not all bad in this movie though, the story, while very basic does get pretty tense. In the scenes where the creepiness factor is needed, it's turned up several notches. This makes the tension in those scenes so thick you can almost cut it with a knife. Sadly, this is also one of the movie's downfalls. Once the tension is gone in a scene it doesn't come back for a little while. Nothing like dangling a carrot in front of your audience.