I have ranted in the past about VHS and DVD rentals, and have ranted on numerous occasions about my general feelings towards movies and all that is involved with them, but now this one is going to get personal, and if you happen to be one of the ones that get singled out, well then you simply are one dumb ass ‘sum bitch, not to mention a complete and total asshole. This tirade is brought to you with inspiration from my dear friend Sir Wiggle’s recent quote, "I haven't seen it yet nor will I for several months because of my distaste for movie theaters and their patrons," and hours and hours of personal ass in seat theater experience. Enjoy!

THE LURE
There is nothing like seeing a movie on the big screen, it just can’t be beat. The sights and sounds are never as good as when you see them that first time on the huge piece of hanging canvas. In fact some movies simply have to be seen on the big screen, there is no way around it, and what would any summer be without the summer movie season? Each May until the end of August, Hollywood goes all out to get our asses in the seats by releasing the truly big blockbuster and event films of the year. Going to the movies in the summer has become an American tradition, and for some of us, like me, it beats going to Disney World.

THE GOOD EXPERIENCES
I love going to my local 12 screen multi-plex and plunking my bulbous ass down for a two hour session of pure entertainment and if it’s something I really want to see I don’t mind slapping down the $9.50 for an evening ticket, but alas most of the time I take in afternoon matinees as I have a family and can’t afford $40 every time we go out. On the old Prime Family Budget the $5 matinee is much more attractive.

I also do not mind spending $13.50 on two large drinks and a box of large extra buttered popcorn, in fact I fully support it, because it is worth it! No matter how hard you try you cannot duplicate theater popcorn, you just can’t do it people!

I also love listening to the rest of the audience scream, laugh, gasp and ooh and awe at whatever we all may be watching, it also enhances the experience and sometimes makes the movie that much better.

I also arrive early enough to catch all of the previews, when that big green screen pops up and says “The Following Preview…”, I sometimes get a slight erection, because you never know what may pop on the screen for about the next two minutes and rock your socks off, to quote Forrest’s mama, “It’s like a box of chocolates, you never know what your gonna get,” and that’s the truth.

So in all I really don’t mind the ticket or jacked up food prices and I actually like the general audience participation, especially if a theater is full of fans of the film’s genre of that particular film, but with the good comes the bad and here goes.

THE BAD EXPERIENCES
This is a bit of a long one so I’m breaking it down for you, in my own special way.

To the corporations:
I do not want to see commercials when I go to the movies, previews are fine and enhance my viewing and movie pleasure, if I wanted to watch fucking commercials I would have stayed at home, you greedy bastards. Perhaps if the commercials were Super Bowl quality I would enjoy them more and might even look forward to them, however if I see that damn cell phone commercial where all the cock knockers sing “Close To You”, one more time I’m going to scream. Also I hate the fact that the first commercial they play EVERY TIME is that horrible yet extremely catchy Fanta one, c’mon sing along I know you all know it “Wanna, wanna, don’t ya wanna Fanta?” Yes the Fanta babes are creepily sexy, but for the love of god, how about a different damn jingle. Now that the brief rambling is out of the way let’s get down to the real problem the real meat of the issue, the different classes of dumb asses that ruin MY, and probably everybody else’s movie experience.

CLASSES OF ASSES

#1 The Cell Phone User.
Perhaps no other ass is more annoying in the entire theater. Shut them off or shove them up your ass, you inconsiderate and shallow fucking cum stains. How many times have you been watching a movie and heard this, (Insert any annoying ring tone you want) “Hello. Yo man! Nah I’m not at home I’m sitting in a movie theater, what you doing?” Well what your doing you stupid fuck is annoying the rest of the entire theater, who paid their hard earned money to come and watch a movie and not listen to your stupid ass. If you’re that damn important that you cannot shut off your freaking phone for two hours then STAY THE HELL HOME!

#2 The Baby Bringers.
Look, I’m a parent and I know what it is like to have a kid and I know how sometimes when they are young and you’ve been locked up at home for sixteen months, that sometimes you just need a break and a chance to get out, but please don’t do it at a movie theater. I know, I know, you just fed the little tyke right before you came in and this is their precious nap time and it’s going to be as quiet as a log and sleep all through the movie. If you’re that goddamn stupid you don’t even deserve a child. Most theaters now a days have sound systems that can be heard in the next state, so thinking your child is going to sleep through every explosion and bone jarring sound effect is moronic. Spend the extra $10 hire a baby sitter and then you can come to the show, but please leave the baby THE HELL HOME!

#3 The Horny Teens.
OK kids, your old buddy the Prime was there at one time and just let me give all you young Don Juans out there a few pointers, from an older and wiser man. A little smooching is OK and I’ll even let a light amount of petting slide, but I don’t want to look over and see you and your girlfriend going at it like your in heat.

I mean c’mon most of the time you are in a crowded theater with younger kids because you yourself are too young to get into an R rated film, and besides that I’m tired of jerking off in front of you while shouting out directions on what to do. So just outright lie to her parents and say you went and watched the movie, just go somewhere and park. Save the damn $25 on tickets and a greasy box of popcorn and just get your fingers greasy in her box and STAY THE HELL IN THE CAR (Had to alter that one a bit.).

#4 The Teen Idol Groupies.
These wastes of future home-hair-bleaching-kits are only slightly worse than the horny teens, and barely.

True story one: While watching Kingdom of Heaven I was the only male in the theater, wanna know why? The rest of the room was full of 12-15 year old girls who have a crush on Orlando Bloom. I mean I’m not even supposed to be around 12 to 15 year old girls thanks to a rather revealing incident at a cheerleading camp… wait, let’s just skip the rest of this one.

True story two: I, my wife and kid all went a week ago to watch the new Willie Wonka flick and to have a good time out as a family, but guess what? Behind us sat three young ladies who had huge crushes of Johnny Depp, well they laughed and enjoyed the movie with the rest of us, but on an entirely different level. You see they only laughed at what Johnny Depp said and at everything Johnny Depp said, then until his next scene they talked about how cute he was. Hey I admit Johnny Depp makes even me wet and that’s pretty hard to do, but if your going just to get some minor clit stimulation, then please pick up your copy of Seventeen or Tiger beat, place your hand down your panties and STAY THE HELL HOME.

#5 The Laughing Lummox
Now you may have never seen one of these, but I’m damn sure you’ve heard one. Now first they are not that hard to spot, most are bigger size guys, they normally come alone have shaved heads, facial hair, no sense of style and most of the time there is just something not quite right looking about the guy, not scary but a little off. In fact I may have just profiled myself and over half the other members of the site with that description, but here is what sets us apart from the lummox.

You ever heard this while watching a movie at a really inopportune time, “GWAH HA HA BWAHA!”, well that is the lummox, a dolt who is with out a doubt the missing link between the Neanderthal and a mongoloid. These guys have as about as much comic timing laughing at things as DeNiro did in Cape Fear. Not only do they laugh at the wrong time but at the wrong things and always, always out loud. Kind of like some huge mutated baritone-voiced chicken man. If you’re unable to control your basic laugh reflex or if your just way to damn happy when you go to the movies, STAY THE HELL HOME.

#6 The Talkers
These are the most numerous of all the asses, people who simply just won’t shut the hell up and talk either through the entire movie or about the movie while your watching it, I admit I do this at times but normally only to point out an actor or significant bit of trivia that may have bearing on the scene, but I don’t do it while anything good is going on, so at least I’m considerate. But some people carry on conversations like they are at a junior high lunch break, shut up! I don’t want to hear about your day or something that happened to you at work I wanna hear what the actors are saying you dip shit, if ya can’t be quiet, STAY THE HELL HOME.

These are the big demons of the theater world in my opinion, although there are many other smaller imps and beings such as The Isle Walkers, The Seat Kickers, and The Bathroom Runners, but the big six are my top gripes. Now all of this being said, when you go into certain movies you have to expect certain things, if you don’t like kids then stay out of any children’s movie on a Saturday or Sunday, if you don’t like the rowdier crowds stay out on opening weekend, it’s just common sense. It’s also just common sense and common decency to be polite and respectful of others while in public, this is just my two cents worth of opinion, but it’s also my $9.50 for admission.