have ranted in the past about VHS and DVD rentals, and have
ranted on numerous occasions about my general feelings towards
movies and all that is involved with them, but now this one
is going to get personal, and if you happen to be one of the
ones that get singled out, well then you simply are one dumb
ass Ďsum bitch, not to mention a complete and total asshole.
This tirade is brought to you with inspiration from my dear
friend Sir Wiggleís recent quote, "I haven't seen it yet nor
will I for several months because of my distaste for movie theaters
and their patrons," and hours and hours of personal ass in seat
theater experience. Enjoy!
There is nothing like seeing a movie on the big screen, it just
canít be beat. The sights and sounds are never as good as when
you see them that first time on the huge piece of hanging canvas.
In fact some movies simply have to be seen on the big screen,
there is no way around it, and what would any summer be without
the summer movie season? Each May until the end of August, Hollywood
goes all out to get our asses in the seats by releasing the
truly big blockbuster and event films of the year. Going to
the movies in the summer has become an American tradition, and
for some of us, like me, it beats going to Disney World.
THE GOOD EXPERIENCES
I love going to my local 12 screen multi-plex and plunking my
bulbous ass down for a two hour session of pure entertainment
and if itís something I really want to see I donít mind slapping
down the $9.50 for an evening ticket, but alas most of the time
I take in afternoon matinees as I have a family and canít afford
$40 every time we go out. On the old Prime Family Budget the
$5 matinee is much more attractive.
I also do not mind spending $13.50 on two large drinks and a
box of large extra buttered popcorn, in fact I fully support
it, because it is worth it! No matter how hard you try you cannot
duplicate theater popcorn, you just canít do it people!
I also love listening to the rest of the audience scream, laugh,
gasp and ooh and awe at whatever we all may be watching, it
also enhances the experience and sometimes makes the movie that
I also arrive early enough to catch all of the previews, when
that big green screen pops up and says ďThe Following PreviewÖĒ,
I sometimes get a slight erection, because you never know what
may pop on the screen for about the next two minutes and rock
your socks off, to quote Forrestís mama, ďItís like a box of
chocolates, you never know what your gonna get,Ē and thatís
So in all I really donít mind the ticket or jacked up food prices
and I actually like the general audience participation, especially
if a theater is full of fans of the filmís genre of that particular
film, but with the good comes the bad and here goes.
THE BAD EXPERIENCES
This is a bit of a long one so Iím breaking it down for you,
in my own special way.
To the corporations:
I do not want to see commercials when I go to the movies, previews
are fine and enhance my viewing and movie pleasure, if I wanted
to watch fucking commercials I would have stayed at home, you
greedy bastards. Perhaps if the commercials were Super Bowl
quality I would enjoy them more and might even look forward
to them, however if I see that damn cell phone commercial where
all the cock knockers sing ďClose To YouĒ, one more time Iím
going to scream. Also I hate the fact that the first commercial
they play EVERY TIME is that horrible yet extremely catchy Fanta
one, címon sing along I know you all know it ďWanna, wanna,
donít ya wanna Fanta?Ē Yes the Fanta babes are creepily sexy,
but for the love of god, how about a different damn jingle.
Now that the brief rambling is out of the way letís get down
to the real problem the real meat of the issue, the different
classes of dumb asses that ruin MY, and probably everybody elseís
CLASSES OF ASSES
#1 The Cell Phone User.
Perhaps no other ass is more annoying in the entire theater.
Shut them off or shove them up your ass, you inconsiderate and
shallow fucking cum stains. How many times have you been watching
a movie and heard this, (Insert any annoying ring tone you want)
ďHello. Yo man! Nah Iím not at home Iím sitting in a movie theater,
what you doing?Ē Well what your doing you stupid fuck is annoying
the rest of the entire theater, who paid their hard earned money
to come and watch a movie and not listen to your stupid ass.
If youíre that damn important that you cannot shut off your
freaking phone for two hours then STAY THE HELL HOME!
#2 The Baby Bringers.
Look, Iím a parent and I know what it is like to have a kid
and I know how sometimes when they are young and youíve been
locked up at home for sixteen months, that sometimes you just
need a break and a chance to get out, but please donít do it
at a movie theater. I know, I know, you just fed the little
tyke right before you came in and this is their precious nap
time and itís going to be as quiet as a log and sleep all through
the movie. If youíre that goddamn stupid you donít even deserve
a child. Most theaters now a days have sound systems that can
be heard in the next state, so thinking your child is going
to sleep through every explosion and bone jarring sound effect
is moronic. Spend the extra $10 hire a baby sitter and then
you can come to the show, but please leave the baby THE HELL
#3 The Horny Teens.
OK kids, your old buddy the Prime was there at one time and
just let me give all you young Don Juans out there a few pointers,
from an older and wiser man. A little smooching is OK and Iíll
even let a light amount of petting slide, but I donít want to
look over and see you and your girlfriend going at it like your
I mean címon most of the time you are in a crowded theater with
younger kids because you yourself are too young to get into
an R rated film, and besides that Iím tired of jerking off in
front of you while shouting out directions on what to do. So
just outright lie to her parents and say you went and watched
the movie, just go somewhere and park. Save the damn $25 on
tickets and a greasy box of popcorn and just get your fingers
greasy in her box and STAY THE HELL IN THE CAR (Had to alter
that one a bit.).
#4 The Teen Idol Groupies.
These wastes of future home-hair-bleaching-kits are only slightly
worse than the horny teens, and barely.
True story one: While watching Kingdom of Heaven I was the only
male in the theater, wanna know why? The rest of the room was
full of 12-15 year old girls who have a crush on Orlando Bloom.
I mean Iím not even supposed to be around 12 to 15 year old
girls thanks to a rather revealing incident at a cheerleading
campÖ wait, letís just skip the rest of this one.
True story two: I, my wife and kid all went a week ago to watch
the new Willie Wonka flick and to have a good time out as a
family, but guess what? Behind us sat three young ladies who
had huge crushes of Johnny Depp, well they laughed and enjoyed
the movie with the rest of us, but on an entirely different
level. You see they only laughed at what Johnny Depp said and
at everything Johnny Depp said, then until his next scene they
talked about how cute he was. Hey I admit Johnny Depp makes
even me wet and thatís pretty hard to do, but if your going
just to get some minor clit stimulation, then please pick up
your copy of Seventeen or Tiger beat, place your hand down your
panties and STAY THE HELL HOME.
#5 The Laughing Lummox
Now you may have never seen one of these, but Iím damn sure
youíve heard one. Now first they are not that hard to spot,
most are bigger size guys, they normally come alone have shaved
heads, facial hair, no sense of style and most of the time there
is just something not quite right looking about the guy, not
scary but a little off. In fact I may have just profiled myself
and over half the other members of the site with that description,
but here is what sets us apart from the lummox.
You ever heard this while watching a movie at a really inopportune
time, ďGWAH HA HA BWAHA!Ē, well that is the lummox, a dolt who
is with out a doubt the missing link between the Neanderthal
and a mongoloid. These guys have as about as much comic timing
laughing at things as DeNiro did in Cape
Fear. Not only do they laugh at the wrong time but at
the wrong things and always, always out loud. Kind of like some
huge mutated baritone-voiced chicken man. If youíre unable to
control your basic laugh reflex or if your just way to damn
happy when you go to the movies, STAY THE HELL HOME.
#6 The Talkers
These are the most numerous of all the asses, people who simply
just wonít shut the hell up and talk either through the entire
movie or about the movie while your watching it, I admit I do
this at times but normally only to point out an actor or significant
bit of trivia that may have bearing on the scene, but I donít
do it while anything good is going on, so at least Iím considerate.
But some people carry on conversations like they are at a junior
high lunch break, shut up! I donít want to hear about your day
or something that happened to you at work I wanna hear what
the actors are saying you dip shit, if ya canít be quiet, STAY
THE HELL HOME.
These are the big demons of the theater world in my opinion,
although there are many other smaller imps and beings such as
The Isle Walkers, The Seat Kickers, and The Bathroom Runners,
but the big six are my top gripes. Now all of this being said,
when you go into certain movies you have to expect certain things,
if you donít like kids then stay out of any childrenís movie
on a Saturday or Sunday, if you donít like the rowdier crowds
stay out on opening weekend, itís just common sense. Itís also
just common sense and common decency to be polite and respectful
of others while in public, this is just my two cents worth of
opinion, but itís also my $9.50 for admission.