The Frog Brothers Exposed
To: Agent WL Paynecraft
From: Agent Jareprime

Paynecraft,

As you know after posting less than flattering pictures of the current head of Horror Watch, The Horrorist, on our website, you know the one of him holding his moobs (man boobs),on the bed of the hotel room we stayed at during the recent convention, I have been in the doghouse as of late with the so called boss. Even though the picture was up on the site for only a few hours and I doubt that many members got a chance to look at his rather firm and dare I say bouncy man rack, he took personal exception to this and has been sending me on some of the worst assignments that have come across his desk as of late. After my stunning and in depth report on Jason Voorhees, I know he knows my value as a member to this truly unique club, he also is as vindictive as a ten year old at times. Instead of being allowed to work on my Dream Demon assignment or my Sawyer Family Tree report, I was reduced to tracking down and interviewing Edgar and Alan Frog. Two brothers who have been trying to get recognition from us for over eight years. I know that you are currently deep into your investigation of the Lament Configuration, but I must send you this rough copy of my Frog Brother report. Being as kind as he is, the Horrorist made me take along two young and promising members of the Horror Watch Foundation a Bqueen and a member by the name of Bloody Taco. He even but that bitch ass Sir Wiggle as my senior contact on this mission. Can you believe that Wiggle over me, I guess that he has been giving some of that Chicago sausage to the Horrorist to snack on in order to get ahead of me somehow in the rankings. Anyway, as bad as this tale is, it is true and these are the events as they took place. I come to you and ask how does one present such insanity to our loyal members? In hopes that you can help in making this report somewhat informative and responsible, your friend -Prime.

Sept 5th 2004

After getting the initial call and mission briefing from the Horrorist himself, I am introduced to Bqueen and Bloody Taco. Bqueen is a female of athletic build with deep blue eyes and long red hair, a kind face and a gentle smile, not to mention an ass that I could have bounced not only quarters but a full set of balls off of as well (Please be sure to shred this report after reading). Taco on the other hand was a semi pudgy bastard who had an irritable bowel and a severe flatulence problem, this added to his acne and enormous amounts of body hair made him truly almost intolerable to be around for short periods of time, let along a three day drive across country to our destination Santa Carla California. If Taco had one saving grace it was his incredible IQ, as he functions on near genius level. After saying our hellos, I assured the two newbies that I would inform them of the case file history along our three day drive, that would begin tomorrow at 7:00 am sharp.

Sept 6th -9th 2004

We left Horror Watch headquarters on time and began our long and grueling 1,780 mile trip, to add to the pleasure of our road trip we were only allowed to rent a Dodge Neon for the long trip, my big ass alone took up 60% of the available space. We piled our luggage and supplies into the trunk and room in the back seat and began our long journey. Thanks to his gentleman like upbringing, Taco let Bqueen have the front seat as I was the first to drive. This was good for two reasons, one it kept Taco down wind and it allowed me to hit extra potholes in the road to get a real good jiggle out of Bqueen’s chest as we drove along, this was a very good practice to help keep one awake at the wheel. As the miles began to go by, I told the two eager learners of Edgar and Alan Frog. The two brothers claimed to be vampire hunters and said they have been so for years. The brothers wished to become members of our organization to obtain facts and possible insight into the world of darkness that constantly surrounds us. They also claimed to have proof of the existence of the paranormal and volunteered to train us in how to fight the undead in all there forms. Taco and Queen as I came to call her seemed to truly be interested in the case and the Frog Brothers themselves, they also knew that this was their first assignment and that it could make or break them. Also trying to make a good impression with me, the two were nice and polite to the point of disgust. Although I did not mind all the sucking up, it would have been nice to have some actual “sucking” up, although to be honest I think Taco would have been the first to commence on the fellatio as one night in out hotel room he told me that he was a 26 year old virgin, because he was saving himself for the right girl. Yeah right, the first girl, or guy for that matter, that offered him an orifice he would have hopped on. The more I was around Queen however the more I found myself becoming enticed by her, not to mention aroused. As our trip progressed we took turns driving and telling stories to each other to help pass the time, most of the time things were good, but there was that one incident. Halfway through New Mexico we decided to pull into a Taco Bell for a little bit of grub. I got a combo #3 and Queen got the #6, Taco however ordered two bean burritos and a Dr.Pepper. Eating our food and stretching our legs it was too soon back into the neon and out on the highway again, it was about 60 miles down the road that it happened. Complaining of a mild stomach ache Taco asked me to pull over quickly, alas I was not quick enough. Taco Bell can make you “run to the border” at times when you eat it, but with his irritable bowels Taco had a sudden and horrible severe case of the refried bean burrito rectal mass disbursement. By the time things were said and done Taco’s pants and the back seat of the neon looked like an exploded can of chili in the microwave, and the smell in the New Mexico heat was horrendous, as we had to put deodorant on a pair of socks and tie them around our heads until we came to the next carwash, some 167 miles away.

Sept 10th 2004

We arrive in Santa Carla at 11:43 am, we have about two hours to check into our hotel room and rendezvous with the Frog Brothers themselves. Once settled in Taco makes the call to arrange the meeting with the Frogs, they decide our first meeting will be on the Santa Carla Boardwalk, in open view and safe for all. Opting on arriving early the trio of Horror Watch head down to the boardwalk in anticipation of our upcoming meeting.

In order to make ourselves more noticeable to the Frogs, as if an ogre, a troll, and a red headed hottie were not noticeable enough, we decided to wear our Horror Watch field shirts in hopes of luring out the Frogs. As we walked along the pier taking in the sites of Santa Carla, I began to notice a taller dark haired man in a duster jacket following us at a distance. My two associates of course were oblivious to the apparent tail as Taco was chatting to both, well make that all three forms, of hookers on the pier, by three I mean man, woman and tranny. The Queen was busy going from booth to booth picking up little souvenirs for other members of the Watch. I had to look at every thing she bought from an imported copy of Pokemon the Movie part 2 for 1 Winged Angel , a Santa Carla cup holder for Relics and even a foam hat for you and the Horrorist. The whole time I kept thinking baby if ya wanna move up, then use what ya got, do you remember how we used to use Nflames’s beard as a semen kotex when he first got here? The Horrorist started using his ass as a penis sheath and he moved ahead of us, all we wanted was a little prag action, but some people need more I guess.

Anyway we finally reached the Orange Julius stand and got a beverage and sat down at the third table from the left as we were instructed, once we sat down the Frog Brothers Edgar and Alan appeared in front of us and the farce was on.

Alan was the bigger of the brothers and he was in fact the man in the jacket who had been following us. He was about 6’1 and around 200 pounds a fairly muscular guy with a black beard and hair to match. Along with the jacket he was in faded jeans and a Metallica t-shirt. He also had a large bowie knife on his hip and carried a vial of what I would find out later was holy water around his neck.

Edgar was not as large as his brother, but had a harder if not more worn look about him, you know kind of like one of those washed up child actors you see on Entertainment Tonight who get busted for drugs or having sex with a goat. He also had long hair, more brown, a goatee and similar attire, he also wore a red bandanna like Stallone wore in that Rambo movie. I’m also quite sure he had a gun on him as he kept reaching into his jacket when he talked. With his small rodent like eyes and craggly voice, that sounded like one of those Teenage Mutant Jujitsu Opossums, remember that cartoon and movie series? Ha great stuff, he was no doubt the leader of the Frogs.

At this point I give you the actual conversation between the members of the Watch and Edgar and Alan Frog, as hard as it may be to believe, this is the actual conversation that took place.

Edgar Frog (EF): You followed your instructions, good, now ya gotta do one more thing.

Taco (T): What?

Alan Frog (AF): Keep still, we ask the questions for now.

T: I’m sorry!

(At this point Taco looked at me for help, but I really could have cared less if they shot him, I was bored already.)

EF: (Pulls out a crucifix) Touch this or I’ll shoot you all dead now. (He then flashes the handle of a pistol, as Alan goes for his water.)

Queen (Q): I’ll touch it , I’ll touch it!

(My mind began to go into the gutter, as Queen made her plea and we all three touched the cross.)

EF: That’s good had to make sure you all were not a bunch of fang heads?

Jareprime: Fangheads?

AF: Nosferatu.

EF: Vampires.

JP: Yeah I see where you could think that seeing as how we are sitting on a pier in California mid afternoon on a sunny day sipping a fucking crushed pineapple smoothie. Want me to go and order us an extra garlic bowl of spaghetti to prove you right some more?

AF: We tried that once smart ass and it didn’t work.

JP: What?

EF: Shut up and listen you Tor Johnson look alike, I’m gonna lay some shit down for you, but before I tell you our story I want some info on you guys and how or why you think the world really is, if you know what I mean. You first there Red.

(At this point the Frogs more or less wanted to know some background info and how we came to be members of Horror Watch and once again this is all true.)

Q: Well I was a student at Virginia University and I was taking up gynecology and one day I saw this cadaver come to life and walk out of a room all on it’s own. The fact that I was doing a little X and had a few drinks in me didn’t help out matters, but I know what I saw. I did some research and found Horror Watch and the rest is history.

EF: A zombie huh, never seen one myself. How about you big guy?

JP: Me, well where do I begin, uhm, agh yes, It was a warm sunny day in the heartla…

AF: Cut to the chase, ya fat bastard!

JP: (In my best Scottish accent) Ay sunny Jim, I ate a baby! Now get in my belly, I’m gonna eat ya! AAARRRGGHHH! You bastards are to tense, relax. In the small town where I lived in rural West Virginia a bunch of aliens who looked like clowns landed and killed almost everyone in the small town of Podunk Flats. Good enough for ya there Kermit?

AF: Knock off the Kermit shit now, fat head?

JP: Just tell me what’s it like banging Miss Piggy or do you just listen to your brother squeal at night?

( I though we was gonna have a little tumble right there on the pier, but he just laughed and that was that)

EF: Enough of this shit, what about you my man?

T: Well I was a factory worker for Little Debbie.

EF: The snack cake place?

T: Yeah, but I worked in the fudge department, I was a packer.

JP: A fudge packer?

T: Yeah, well I also did a little receiving of supplies now and then, but only at the back door of the factory.

Q: Oh my God!

T: What, it is true. Anyway one day on the way home from work I saw what appeared to be the actual ghost of Little Debbie herself wandering around in the parking lot of the factory, I snapped and just could not go back to work, so I quit and found a new job and contacted Horror Watch after seeing them on a Jerry Springer Episode.

(You know we are never going to live that episode down. How in the hell could the Horrorist think that was a good idea, I know it was a Do Ghosts Really Exist show, but who didn’t see the whole necrophilia thing coming a mile away, and speaking of that corpse humping Nflames , you still notice every once in awhile he still smells like formaldehyde? Cured my ass!)

At this point in the trip both Edgar and Alan go into an in depth discussion on how both of them and two other brothers a Sam and Michael Emerson, became involved with a gang of delinquent vampires who terrorized Santa Carla in the mid to late 80’s. The story also goes to say that Santa Carla was ran by a head vampire by the name of Max who was in love with the Emerson brother’s mother Lucy. The Frogs along with the Emersons hunted down and killed the members of this gang, including the master in order to save Michael from becoming a full fledged vampire, some how. According to the Frogs they slayed them all. This much we know is true from our research, Santa Carla was at one time the murder capitol of the world for a very brief period of time in the mid 80’s, the Frogs also worked at a family ran comic book store in the area at that time and the Emersons did live out here for a brief period of time with Lucy’s father, other than that, that as all we had to go on really. You can listen to the whole story on a tape I labeled The Lost Boys in the enclosed package, give it a go and see what ya think.

Anyway we listened to the Frogs as they told us how after saving Santa Carla, they moved on when they grew up and headed down south working for a man named Jack Crowe, who was funded by the Catholic Church as a vampire slayer, after hanging with Crowe for a few years, they eventually wound up back in Santa Carla and after meeting a man by the name of Charlie Brewster, who also is said to have a vampire story to tell us, the two caught wind of us in the usual manner that we seem to get around and began to email us. And that is pretty much the story as it is. In the end the Frogs were not that bad, but I asked them for some evidence of truth to their story and Edgar gave me what should now be in front of you in the large box. I had our resident scientist Loki examine it and he said it is authentic. The skull you have before is proof of possible vampire existence, although more tests need to be done, it appears to be the real thing. And if it is then the Frog Brothers, Edgar and Alan could become very valuable members to the Watch indeed, but all I’ll give is the fiction, you can figure out the facts.

Before Edgar and Alan left they left me with this little quote, “We hunt evil where ever it is for life, liberty and the American way.” Perhaps crazy trailer trash, perhaps true vampire hunters, they are in fact unique.

Hope you can make heads or tails of this mess my dear Paynecraft, enjoy.

Prime